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From Uncle Vellanoff's Journal

We had finished up in Kansas City, taken the train into Chicago, and were leaving the train. As we shuffled out onto the platform two beefy looking thugs grabbed Ron and headed into the terminal. Several of us guys dropped our luggage and ran them down. We surrounded them to block their progress and I said, “What’s going on here.” One of the men showed his Pinkerton badge and introduced himself and his partner. They explained that Ron was late with his payments on his auto and they were taking him in to see the credit manager of this large Ford dealership out in Aurora.

     We weren’t sure how legit this all was so we told them we would come along to see that Ron was okay. They had no problem with that, so we all climbed into their car and ended up in the offices of Aurora Ford. The session with the credit manager turned out fine as the whole thing was a misunderstanding because of some funds being posted to the wrong account.

     The credit manager turned out to be a nice guy as well as having a good sense of humor. To compensate for having brought Ron and the rest of us all the way from the train station in downtown Chicago out to Aurora he suggested that he take us out for dinner. We agreed, as actors will never pass up a free meal.

     I should mention here that this man had a wooden leg.

     At dinner, the conversation covered many topics, but the best part was when the credit manager, whose name was Albert, answered the question, “How did you get to be a credit manager?” His answer was, “As you can imagine, companies do not like to lose money, so their credit managers are under a great deal of pressure to see that that doesn’t happen. So to start with I had to take a test.”

     We asked what this test was like and he went on to explain:

The test was broken down into a number of categories.

• History:  Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

• Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. If your appendix has already been removed, re-insert it. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

• Public Speaking: 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming your office. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Greek.

• Biology: Create Life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove you thesis.

• Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
• Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustration of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicia, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

• Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems, which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

• Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

• Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

     Ron said, “We assume you passed the test.”

     Albert answered, “More or less.”

     I asked, “What happened to your leg?”

     Albert said, “It took me 10 and 1/4 minutes to assemble the rifle.”

(Editor’s note: Once again, when considering the veracity of this journal, readers beware.)