And Then The Fight Started

 

From Uncle Vellanoff's Journal

One year we had a three-week break right after New Years. Out last engagement was in New York. Most of the troupe headed for their homes. Not having a permanent address I hung out at the Algonquin Hotel where a fan was able to comp a room for me.

When our break was over and the troupe gathered back for rehearsals of our new show for the upcoming season I found that several of our guys were disheartened and despondent. When I tried to figure out why they were missing their usual chipper attitudes I found that all three of these gentlemen had left home after having had disagreements with their wives. After more probing, I heard the following stories:

Husband one:  My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend….I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My lands!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” And then the fight started….

 Husband two:  My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 250 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started…..

Husband three:  My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, “Your eyesight’s near perfect.” And then the fight started…..

(Editors note; I’ve heard versions of these same stories from other sources. I’m not sure if they started with Vellanoff or if he appropriated these antidotes from local lore, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t just make them up.)