Armed Robbery 101 

    Evidently not everyone has taken the class. Exhibit A is these two men. They decided to rob a bar. They walked in and demanded the cash from the register at the Monaghan Pub. The thing that these two gentlemen had failed to notice was that there was a group of policemen in the pub having a retirement party for one of their own. 
    The pub owner stated that the police response time to the tempted robbery was extraordinary. Another thing these two miscreants missed was that this bar was across the street from a police station. 
     The good news is that after these two spend five to seven years in the Gray Bar University they will have honed their skills so that next time they will be more circumspect. 

 Success Is in The Details, Or Maybe It Just Depends On The Choice of Beverage 

     Speaking of robbery, in Indiana a man stopped at a gas station, pretended he had a gun and robbed the place. He left with food, drinks, and cigarettes. 
    A little later the police found this genius alongside a road. You guessed it, he was out of gas. 
    However, he wasn’t hungry, nor did he lack for smokes. 
    Now you’d think a guy going into a possibly life-changing endeavor would think through some of the things to consider. 
    You know, like make a list. 
           How do I pretend I have a gun? 
          What am I going to take out of the store? 
          How am I going to get out of town? 
          Make sure I have enough gas in the car to do that. But evidently our guy wasn’t a list maker.
     Oh, did I mention his alcohol level was well over the legal limit.      The fellow was drunk---so common sense, if he did have any to begin with, didn’t have a chance.

Picture This, Well, Maybe Not 

    What’s the deal with naked bicycle rides? I’m not talking about one person going for a bike ride, after forgetting to get dressed. I’m talking about hundreds of people riding their bicycles around some city, either totally naked, or wearing minimal clothing.
    The organizers of these rides say that the riders can wear whatever they like, “go as bare as you dare.” At least the organizers don’t lack for cute phrases. 
    The first one I heard of was in the city of Portland---Oregon, that is. Now I can understand Portland doing something like this, because Portland will try anything that is bizarre, off the wall, outlandish, anything that smacks of anti-conservatism, or possibly unlawful. Anything will do, as long as it’s shocking. 
    Now these ride organizers claim that they are doing this for a number of altruistic reasons. The latest ride is going to be in Philadelphia, a city that should know better, and they’re telling the public that this ride is to “protest against dependence on fossil fuels, advocate for the safety of cyclists, and promote positive body image.” 
    The fossil fuel thing I get, sort of. These people are riding their bikes instead of driving their cars naked, which I think is illegal in most places, again Portland would probably be an exception. It would be more impressive if we saw these same people riding their bikes to work after the race weekend. The safety of cyclists is a real thing. Personally, riding a bike in traffic is not a thing for the faint hearted. And why? Because cyclists are a small target, are hard to see, and they can go squirting in and out of traffic, hoping they are fleet enough to escape the behemoths they are playing with. Like a mongoose dancing with an elephant. Usually, their strategy works, but it only takes one miscalculation. 
    The positive body image is harder to understand. If you picked twenty people, ages 18 to 25, at random, and stripped off their clothes, you might get one person who had what we are told would be considered an attractive body. 
    If the age group were between the ages of 25 and 35 the ratio would probably go to one person in fifty. 
    If the age group were between the ages of 35 and 45 the ration would probably go to one person in 75. 
    If the age group were between the ages of 45 and 55 the ratio would probably go to one person in 125. 
    If the age group were between the ages of 55 and 65 the ratio would probably go to one person in 400. 
   If the age group were over 65 - - - good luck. 
    Now the naked cyclists are trying to get all of us to feel good about our bodies regardless of which side of the ratio we’re on. They have an uphill battle to make the public feel good about their bodies when every other ad being vomited up by the media is showing us what we can do to improve the way our bodies look and function, with the strong implication that our bodies are lacking in multiple ways. This of course affects the way we view ourselves. 
    So, instead of getting that plastic surgery, just ride your bike naked to work, and you’ll feel so good about your body that the therapists in the institution you inhabit will use you as an example for all your fellow inmates who are depressed because of a poor body image. Win. Win.