Memorable or Not?

           As reported by the AP, a gentleman in the Netherlands wanted to make his marriage proposal memorable. The short version is ---I'll leave it up to you.

   The longer version is this. He hired a crane to lower him so that he would be outside his girlfriend’s bedroom window when she woke up in the morning. That could be a little creepy, but we’ll let it pass. This window was on the second and top floor of an apartment building. In the process of getting lowered into position the crane tipped over and the boom went through the roof of an adjoining apartment. The man was able to jump clear so was not injured.

     In the process of righting the crane, the crane tipped over again, bashing in the rest of the roof on that same apartment. Six adjoining apartments had to be evacuated.

     Two things we can learn from this. When you hire a crane, make sure the crane company hasn’t tipped over any of their cranes lately. And if they have, see if they’ve put the crane upright without hurting themselves or anybody else.

     In spite of all this, the girl said, “Yes.”

     So was it memorable? Absolutely!

Can Decency Be Legislated?

Laila Kearney has reported, via Reuters, the following. It seems that many people are now having their pets tattooed and pierced. This has become so prevalent that the state of New York has passed a law banning the practice.

Some examples: “Gothic Kittens” were for sale on the Internet. These cats have piercings down their necks and spines.

Or the Brooklyn idiot who had his pit bull tattooed while the dog was having spleen surgery, then posted the results on social media. That may be one dog to avoid when he comes out of the anesthesia and looks in a mirror.

The fine if convicted is up to $250 and up to 15 days in jail. So even though the law has good intentions the deterrent is nothing.

This brings up a question we will not go into now, but the question is: Can decency be legislated?

Why people would do this is beyond me. My first thought when reading about the fines was that instead of money, they should do the same thing to the pet owners that the owners did to their pets. But after thinking about it some, I decided that the owners had probably already had this done to themselves.

Now an inconspicuous and classy tattoo on a human I can understand, and though I have none myself would not be opposed to one. But to be inked all over like some New Zealand Maori warrior is something else, unless of course you are a New Zealand Maori and have a reason for the tattoos.

Piercings are something else. (I’m excluding ears.) I’ve yet to see one that didn’t look like it was about two more bacteria from being septic. They leave me feeling a little queasy. Especially if the pierced person is serving me food, or trying to talk around a pierced tongue or lip. Nose piercings make me think of the way we handled the bulls on the farm. A nose ring was one good way to get their attention and control any impetuous antisocial behavior. And because they were in the wide open spaces of a farm the extra flowing mucus this nose ring caused was of little consequence.

Drunk or Not?

    Persistence is usually an admirable thing. But maybe not always. In Vermont, a man drove his pickup truck off the road and got it stuck. He couldn't get it back on the road, so he went home and got another pickup to help extricate the stranded one. He managed to drive the second truck off the road and get it stuck as well. 

        So now he has two vehicles stuck and what does he do? He goes home and gets his ATV to pull out the trucks. And guess what happens? You’re right. He drives the ATV off the road and gets it stuck also.

     Now for the big question - - - - Do you think there was any alcohol involved any place in this scenario?

    If you answer was “Yes” give yourself a pat on the back.

WOW! Everybody Sometimes Wakes Up A Little Cranky, But This Is Over The Top

     As reported by AP, a gentleman was eating Thanksgiving dinner. His girlfriend woke up and when she found that he was eating without her, she got upset. The reason he had started the meal was because she was sleeping off a bender.

     So she probably woke up with a super headache and feeling generally less than optimal. So what you ask?

     When she found her boyfriend already eating dinner, she took a knife and chased him around the dining room table getting close enough at one point to stab him in the chest. Not getting close enough again, she threw the knife hitting him just below his left eye.

     She’s being charged with “aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, simple assault, reckless endangerment, and making terroristic threats.” Okay, just to help make this a learning experience, a terroristic threat “is a crime generally involving a threat to commit violence communicated with the intent to terrorize another.”

     So what did we learn? If your girl friend is not done sleeping off her bender, for pity sakes, don’t start Thanksgiving dinner without her.

Is Bigger Better?

We seem to have two phenomenas building that are puzzling to me. The first one is a few celebrities insisting on showing more and more skin. I’m talking about females. I mean the next step is for them to start running around totally naked. The question is: Do they think their bodies are so special that they have to share them with us? They do seem to think they are doing us a big favor. Or are these exhibitionists so hard up for recognition that they can only get it with this negative kind of publicity.

     The second thing is that now all of a sudden big butts are popular. Again I’m talking about females. In years past if your wife asked, “Do these pants make my butt look big?” we had learned in Correct Husband Responses 101 that the correct answer was, “No, Dear, not at all.” At least that was the correct answer if you didn’t want a whack up alongside of your head.

Now if you wife says, “Does this make my butt look big?” you better say, “It sure does, Honey.” Or at the very least say, “Well it does make it look bigger.” Notice the subtle equivocation. The theory is that you’re not committing yourself, but giving an answer that she will find acceptable. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

Times have changed. This big butt thing is such an issue that companies that manufacture padded pants, and other apparel or appliances that make butts look bigger, are doing a land- office business. Then there are those exhibitionists we talked about before that are showing their bare backside to anybody who will take the time to look, to prove that they have not had their derrieres enhanced.

     And how do I know these things? Well, somebody has to monitor these anthropological happenings.

 Croak - - I Mean Groan, Cough

     According to the AP, scientists have discovered a new frog species in New Jersey. The interesting part of this is that this frog groans and coughs instead of croaking like normal frogs. Now, considering this is New Jersey, and the air quality being what it is, I’m surprised that these scientists are surprised that all this frog can do is groan and cough. Most of the people in New Jersey are doing the same thing after they’ve been outside a while.

     Now to be fair, it’s been a while since I’ve been in New Jersey so things might have changed. But then again there are those groaning and coughing frogs.

 No Help Needed Here

     Today I walked into the big-box store, stamped the snow off my feet, and entered the main doors into the entrance area. About twenty feet in front of me, where the store spread out in its entire pre-holiday splendor, was an older lady, very thin, almost emaciated looking, leaning on, and grasping a shopping cart like a drowning person grasping a lifeboat. In the shopping cart was a bottle of oxygen with a tube going up to her face. The nosepiece was between her nose and her left ear. Her gray hair was long and bedraggled. Her clothes spoke of better times.  

     It was obvious she was in need of assistance. I pulled out my phone so I could dial 911 without any delay. Just as I reached her and before I could ask if she needed help, she raised her head, looked at me and said, “Welcome to Walmart.”

What I Did When I Was Gone

     As reported by Reuter’s Dan Whitcomb, a parrot left home (or at least the place where he was incarcerated), and then came back four years later. This parrot had an English vocabulary when he left, but now he’s speaking Spanish. Interesting? Well, maybe just a little. When they find an interpreter, they’re going to ask the parrot where he’s been, what he was doing there, why he’s come back, and then the big one, ¿por qué estás hablando español?
 

You’re Going To Send Them What?

The other day I heard an ad on the radio for some organization in Bend. What they were trying to do was save the local trick-and-treaters from a sugar overload on Halloween. The ad listed all the negative things this sugar would do to them, like make them hyper then leave them sluggish, slow down their little brains, give them cavities, plus some really bad stuff.

     The kicker was that if the kids turned in this candy, this organization would pay them so much for each pound surrendered. But the absolute topper. The organization was going to ship all this candy to our fighting men and women overseas. “What?” I thought, “Who’s side are you on anyway? You want our soldiers going into dangerous situations, suffering all the ill effects you just warned the kids about?” I hope that I’ll hear this add again and find out who these people are.

    

Grease

     In Florida recently someone stole 18 tons of Crisco sticks. That’s a lot of grease. The question is, what is somebody going to do with all this grease? Is there an active underground market for this stuff? Does somebody go from fast food joint to fast food joint saying, “Psst, wanna buy some hot Crisco?” Then if the answer is in the affirmative, this thief unloads another 25 pounds of the gooey stuff. He would at least have job security. (Think about it.) Maybe it will get smuggled out of the country to some Third World location that does not have the luxury of this artery-clogging product. This is the kind of information the public, at least me, needs to have. Who cares what the Kardashians are doing. Just tell me what to do with 18 tons of Crisco.

Dog is Man’s Best Friend?

This Dog Owner Wants a Second Opinion.

      In Alabama the police came to a man’s front door. The police officers had a warrant. They were looking for drugs. As they knocked on the front door, this man left via his back door, and scampered away into the tall grass. The police came in, found his dog, pointed out toward the grass, and told the dog to find his owner. The dog promptly complied.

      The dog ran up to his owner, wagging his tail, sure he had done something exceptional. The owner did not agree with that at all.

Hello  AT and T!!

      Today I got the bill for my wireless phones. I was looking at it and noticed a $2.99 charge. The explanation on the bill meant nothing to me so I called AT and T. What with the menus, getting shuffled from those who couldn’t help to those who didn’t have a clue took only 30 minutes of my life. Then I got a guy who knew what the $2.99 was for. I told him I didn’t want that optional service and please take it off my account. He putzed around for about ten minutes then told me I would have to go in and remove it myself.

      I followed his link and found I needed to set up an account. They didn’t like the password I chose so I had to adjust that a couple times until they were satisfied. I mean it’s a small phone bill, not Fort Knox.

      That took another twenty-five minutes of my life. After establishing an account, I started to zero in on the $2.99 charge. They must have instinctively known what was on my mind because they were very reluctant to let me see that particular charge. Finally, I found it and they even explained what it was for.

      Now to get rid of it? At every stop on this web side they were flogging additional service and features. To add additional programs or features was as easy as a click of my mouse, but to drop something was obviously very complicated. They just didn’t want to deal with anything negative. That might be a good attitude anyplace else, but this was my $2.99 we were talking about.   

      By now I was losing interest in the $2.99 and was more interested in how much more perverse this AT and T website could get. After another twenty minutes, I’d developed a slight tremor in my mouse hand, and foam was gathering at the corners of my mouth. I would have been pulling out hanks of hair if I’d been able to find a hank.

      Lorraine walked into the office, took one look at me, promptly turned, and bolted out the door. Smart girl.

      To make a long story short, I never got that $2.99 service removed from my account.

      I added up the value of my time, then compared it to the savings I was trying to acquire and figured if I had gotten rid of that monthly charge, it would have taken about five years to break even.

      Thank you AT and T. I would really like to reach out and touch someone right now, preferable you.

Computers Are Our Friends? Well Usually.  

How Could a computer Not Be Right
 

     Modern technology is a wonderful thing. One example is the GPS mapping units in many vehicles. These units, after receiving your destination, will give you directions on how to get there, along with turn-by-turn advice that in most cases will lead you right to the place of choice.

     As good as these units are they are no substitute for common sense. You remember what you mother used to say, “If your friends told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?” Well apparently, this guy is one of the kids who would.

     Now he’s a truck driver, and his rig is equipped with a GPS device. This device directed him onto a walkway in a Milwaukee park, and onto a footbridge. And what the device told him to do he did. Now a crew is trying to extricate the truck with it’s 53’ trailer out of the situation.

     Now if somebody had told this truck driver to get off the road, drive onto a city park walkway, and then onto a footbridge, he would have laughed himself silly. But when this mechanical voice coming out of his computer told him to do it---well, he did. Go figure.

Well, This Should Keep Putin Busy

     Harry Readhead, writing for Metro.co.uk brought us this news.

     Yelena Borisovna Mizoulina has come up with what she considers a terrific idea. She is Russia’s Chairwoman of the Parliamentary Commission on Women’s Affairs. Her plan is that Vladimir Putin should donate his sperm to the women of Russia and by doing this would, “Improve the greatness of Russia and improve patriotism.” And that it, “Would create a new military and political elite.”

    To encourage women to accept and use this sperm, “they should be given special allowances,” and that the children should be educated in Soviet-style boarding schools.

There was nothing said in the report about this Chairwoman being in a home for the delusional. I mean, give me a break, who needs more Putins. The one we have is about one-half a Putin too many.

   This idea is like something out of the worst part of Nazi Germany. And I mean really the worst part.

The CIA Strikes Again

    Thomas Grove via Reuters, reports that Russian Premier Vladimir Putin, who has claimed that the internet is a “CIA special project,” has hatched yet another one of his “brilliant?” ideas. He is going to start a Russian, (read---government controlled) Wikipedia. He’s afraid that Wikipedia is not accurate enough (read---thinks the way he does) about all things Russian.

I didn’t know Wikipedia claimed to be accurate about anything.

    The first thing that any dictator worth his salt feels he must do is control the information available to the people so that he can better control them. And why wouldn’t Putin want to do this? It worked so well for people like Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, and about a zillion other dictators or would-be dictators, NONE OF WHOM ARE AROUND ANY LONGER! I would think that fact alone would give Putin something to think about.

One Rabbit More Or Less 
  

    Idaho there is a teacher who brought a rabbit to her 10^th grade biology class. She was trying to teach the kids where their food came from. So she killed the rabbit, (snapped its neck) skinned it, and cut it up into servicing-sized pieces. All this was done in front of the class.

    Good lesson? Maybe not so much.

    The school is contemplating disciplinary action, and I’m guessing, if they can figure out what exactly to discipline her for.

    Students were allowed to leave before the demonstration if they didn’t want to stay. The report doesn’t say how many left.

In retrospect it’s easy to say that this teacher should have spent more time thinking through this idea. 

One thing the school authorities can be thankful for, she didn’t use a cow.

    One good thing probably did come from this demonstration. After watching the teacher snap the neck of the rabbit, I bet the kids think twice before misbehaving.