WOW! Everybody Sometimes Wakes Up A Little Cranky, But This Is Over The Top

     As reported by AP, a gentleman was eating Thanksgiving dinner. His girlfriend woke up and when she found that he was eating without her, she got upset. The reason he had started the meal was because she was sleeping off a bender.

     So she probably woke up with a super headache and feeling generally less than optimal. So what you ask?

     When she found her boyfriend already eating dinner, she took a knife and chased him around the dining room table getting close enough at one point to stab him in the chest. Not getting close enough again, she threw the knife hitting him just below his left eye.

     She’s being charged with “aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, simple assault, reckless endangerment, and making terroristic threats.” Okay, just to help make this a learning experience, a terroristic threat “is a crime generally involving a threat to commit violence communicated with the intent to terrorize another.”

     So what did we learn? If your girl friend is not done sleeping off her bender, for pity sakes, don’t start Thanksgiving dinner without her.

Is Bigger Better?

We seem to have two phenomenas building that are puzzling to me. The first one is a few celebrities insisting on showing more and more skin. I’m talking about females. I mean the next step is for them to start running around totally naked. The question is: Do they think their bodies are so special that they have to share them with us? They do seem to think they are doing us a big favor. Or are these exhibitionists so hard up for recognition that they can only get it with this negative kind of publicity.

     The second thing is that now all of a sudden big butts are popular. Again I’m talking about females. In years past if your wife asked, “Do these pants make my butt look big?” we had learned in Correct Husband Responses 101 that the correct answer was, “No, Dear, not at all.” At least that was the correct answer if you didn’t want a whack up alongside of your head.

Now if you wife says, “Does this make my butt look big?” you better say, “It sure does, Honey.” Or at the very least say, “Well it does make it look bigger.” Notice the subtle equivocation. The theory is that you’re not committing yourself, but giving an answer that she will find acceptable. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

Times have changed. This big butt thing is such an issue that companies that manufacture padded pants, and other apparel or appliances that make butts look bigger, are doing a land- office business. Then there are those exhibitionists we talked about before that are showing their bare backside to anybody who will take the time to look, to prove that they have not had their derrieres enhanced.

     And how do I know these things? Well, somebody has to monitor these anthropological happenings.

 Croak - - I Mean Groan, Cough

     According to the AP, scientists have discovered a new frog species in New Jersey. The interesting part of this is that this frog groans and coughs instead of croaking like normal frogs. Now, considering this is New Jersey, and the air quality being what it is, I’m surprised that these scientists are surprised that all this frog can do is groan and cough. Most of the people in New Jersey are doing the same thing after they’ve been outside a while.

     Now to be fair, it’s been a while since I’ve been in New Jersey so things might have changed. But then again there are those groaning and coughing frogs.

 No Help Needed Here

     Today I walked into the big-box store, stamped the snow off my feet, and entered the main doors into the entrance area. About twenty feet in front of me, where the store spread out in its entire pre-holiday splendor, was an older lady, very thin, almost emaciated looking, leaning on, and grasping a shopping cart like a drowning person grasping a lifeboat. In the shopping cart was a bottle of oxygen with a tube going up to her face. The nosepiece was between her nose and her left ear. Her gray hair was long and bedraggled. Her clothes spoke of better times.  

     It was obvious she was in need of assistance. I pulled out my phone so I could dial 911 without any delay. Just as I reached her and before I could ask if she needed help, she raised her head, looked at me and said, “Welcome to Walmart.”