They’re Not Dead, Just Cold

    It turns out that there is one thing in Florida that doesn’t appreciate cold weather any more than the orange trees or the snow birds. And some of those things are the green iguanas. That’s right--iguanas. These green lizards have moved up from further south to live in Florida, evidently much like northerners have moved south to take advantage of the warm weather and what not.
     However, the green reptiles made a small miscalculation. It does occasionally get cold enough in Florida, down in the 40s and 30s where the green iguanas sort of freeze, but they’re not dead. It’s just that they can’t hold on to a tree limb, so these cold iguanas fall to the ground. 
     Hence the Florida weather report, “Beware of falling iguanas.” 
     When these iguanas warm up, they are ready to do what iguanas do. 
     They are considered an invasive species so why are they in Florida? I can just hear a pair of newly mated Central American iguanas talking to his parents. 
     Young male iguana, henceforth referred to is YMI, “But why Florida, for Pete’s sake?” Evidently this YMI knows somebody named Pete. Who would have guessed? 
     Pop Iguana, henceforth known as PI, “Because it’s warm all year and you know how I like to be warm.” 
     YMI, “But it’s warm here all year.” 
     Mama Iguana, henceforth known as MI, “But everything in Florida is near water, and you know how much your father loves the water.” 
     YMI, “Since when? We live up in the trees. In the water are things that will eat us.” 
     PI, “But I would like to live on a boat.” 
     YMI, now almost yelling in his frustration. “But there is nothing for you to eat on a boat.” 
     The YMI turns to his mate, a young female iguana, henceforth known as YFI, and in his frustration asked, “Don’t you think this is crazy?” 
     The YFI has been thinking about life without a mother-in-law looking over her shoulder and says, “Well, Creepy, that’s her name for her mate, “If they really have their hearts set on Florida…” then shrugs, which is a little awkward for an iguana, but the others got the message. 
     The YMI sighs knowing that at 3 to 1 he’s lost this argument. Then he adds, “If it’s a privacy thing we could move, the tree next door would be very nice, once we got rid of the howler monkeys, and the view is actually better.” 
     Then he saw the look in his parent's eyes and gave up. He said, “Just write so we know you’re okay. Okay?” 
     His parents broke into smiles, which is hard to recognize as it’s the same look as when an iguana is trying to scare a cricket to death so it will be easier to catch. 
     So that’s how Pop and Momma iguana found themselves lying on their backs, unable to move, in the soft grass of a Florida back yard. This yard is beside a nice canal, on which floats a nice boat. Iguana paradise, thought PI, except for this infernal cold. 
     MI and PI had several humans gathered around them, surprised at the spectacle.
     Human One, “I heard the warning about the falling iguanas but I thought it was a joke.” 
     Human Two, “Yeah, and they are an invasive species, we should kill them,” while trying to control his lunging pit bull who thought someone had delivered these two iguanas for his dining pleasure. 
     Human Three, with much indignation, “You’ll do no such thing. They are God’s creatures and we’re not going to kill them. They just need to warm up and then they’ll be as good as new.” And having said that she reached down and stroked the smaller iguana on the tommy. 
     YFI thought, holy Joseph and Abraham, she had lived in the village synagogue when younger, now they’re touching me. Don’t they have any manners at all. There are boundaries after all. 
     Human Two, “Well, don’t look at me, if you want them warm, you warm them.” 
     Human Three, “Okay, I will." Then to her husband, “Ralph, bring the iguanas,” as she headed for their car. 
     Ralph looked perplexed. “How do you pick up one of these God’s creatures. It’s not like he put handles on them.” 
     Human Four finally had something to offer. “I’d try the tail. It’s about as far away from their mouth as you can get.” So Ralph gingerly got an iguana tail in each hand slowly lifted them off the lawn and followed his wife. 
     The Pitbull, seeing his iguanas leaving, went into a frenzy of barking and leaping which pulled Human Two onto his face in grass, but to his credit he kept a firm grip on the leash. 
     PI thought, Lord, help me over the fence, an expression he’d heard on the boat radio. These cretins have got me by the tail; if I could move, I’d show them how not to mess with an iguana. I wonder whose cockamamie idea it was to move to this cold country. 
     Human Three told Ralph to put the iguana on the back seat of the car. The family cat, Mitzi, who had been resting on the ledge inside the back window, jumped to her feet, flattened her ears, and arched her back while letting out a long hiss. 
     Human Three said soothingly, “Now, Mitzi, they are just iguanas that need our help. You’ll get along with them fine.” 
     Mitzi thought, if it wasn’t for the gourmet cat food, I’d find someone smarter to live with. 
     The interior of the car was about forty degrees warmer than the outdoors and right at the lower end of the iguana’s comfort zone.
     In a few minutes PI realized he could move. The first thing he did was roll over onto his feet which brought another hiss from the midget jaguar that was crouched above him. He nudged MI, but although she was moving a little, she was not yet ready to roll over. 
     PI’s first impulse was to flee, which he did. He tried the opening to the outdoors but smashed into something hard, then took a hard left, went over the shoulder of Human Three, down onto her lap and then leaped unto the dash. 
     Human three was screaming and flailing her arms while yelling for Ralph to do something about the lizard. 
     Mitzi, seeing this green thing fleeing thought, Ah hah, and went in pursuit, which ended with her crouched on the console between Human three and her husband, Ralph.
     Ralph was so discombobulated by the flurry of activity that he ran over a roadside mail box before getting his car back under control. 
     Mitzi took a hard look at the green lizard perched on the dash, with it’s mouth open and it’s tail whipping back and forth, and thought, look at those teeth, maybe I could live in peace with this thing. 
     By this time MI was fully warmed up and ready to rumble. She saw this midget jaguar threatening PI and promptly reached up and bit the end off the jaguar’s tail. 
     Mitzi let out a high-pitched wail, then a snarl as she whirled around to face this new threat. This brought her face to face with the open mouth of MI, which still had the part of bitten off tail hanging out of one side. Mitzi’s tail was leaking blood and with it whipping back and forth was scattering blood hither and yon. 
     Mitzi didn’t feel comfortable sitting there facing MI and knowing another green lizard was at her back, so she leapt unto Ralph’s right shoulder, gave his right ear a whack, just because she thought she shouldn’t be the only one having a bad day, then clambered over to his left shoulder and after another look at the lizards, decided the top of his head would be better. So using all her god-given equipment, she clawed her way there. 
     This created additional stress on Ralph, which caused him to narrowly miss an oncoming Florida State Patrol car. In a flash the patrolman made a U-turn and fell in behind the city policeman who had witnessed the small incident with the mailbox. 
     Ralph finally noticed the two police cars behind him. During all this Human Three had kept up a steady stream of expletives aimed at all the living things in the car except herself, of course. This was done in a high pitched screaming voice. Ralph, if he’d had time to consider it would not have found it soothing. 
     Ralph pulled over to the side of the road. The state patrolman and the city policeman approached the car, one on each side. The first thing they noticed was what looked like blood all over the interior. It was fresh enough to still be running down the windows. The second thing they noticed was that the driver was wearing a live cat on his head. And then there was the iguana on the dash. 
     Both officers had their sidearms out and both tapped the barrels of those guns on the driver and passenger windows, motioning for them to please lower them. 
     Just as those windows reached the completely open position both PI and MI smelled the outdoors and perceiving a way of escape went for it. PI, with one leap, bounced off the chest of Ralph and sailed out the window only to collide with the state police officer. PT didn’t cling to that officer’s face and chest for long, but dropped to the ground and left for a roadside tree. The officer was so surprised that he accidently fired his gun, neatly shooting off another piece of Mitzi’s tail. 
     MI jumped to Human Three’s shoulder, then out that open window narrowly missing the city policeman. MI joined PI in his tree. It was still cold so it was only a matter of time before they were on the ground again. Mitzi followed MI out of the car and ducked into the first auto with an open door. It happened to belong to the Florida State Police. 
     All this time Human Three was yelling “Kill them, kill them.” She was taken to the local ER and admitted on a forty-eight hour psychiatric hold. After considerable conversation with the authorities, Ralph was released after glumly accepting several citations, reckless endangerment and cruelty to animals being two, after which he was allowed to go home. It was only late the next day that he remembered that Human Three was in the local ER. He had wondered why it was so quiet. 
     So much for how a couple iguanas got to Florida. 
     What was also reported, a man living in Florida, who had immigrated, well, sort of, from Central America thought this iguana falling thing a godsend. He went around collecting a number of the lizards, put them in his car and was on the way home to prepare them for some of his most favorite culinary dishes. The iguanas warmed up, woke up, and took out their vengeance on the driver. He ran off the road, wrecked his car, and ended up in the hospital. The iguanas went free.
     So, if you are in Florida and it is less than about fifty degrees, watch out for falling iguanas. 
     You’re welcome.