It’s Just Plain Amazing

     The story claimed, “Wedding Ring Lost in Livingroom Surfaces Three Hours Later in Master Bedroom.” 
     That one might not make the news, but this one might, “Wedding Ring Lost While Climbing El Capitan in Yosemite National Park. Ring Surfaces Thirty Years Later Inside Wild Pig in New Guinea.” 
     Now that one takes some explanation. First of all, we will assume that the following is accurate, however much this stretches the imagination. 
     It all started when the ring slipped off the finger of a rock climber and landed on the toe of his left shoe. The climber froze in place, not wanting to dislodge the golden symbol of his wife’s affection. And it had written right on the ring, “Love You Always.”      He was in a quandary. He was also in a position where he couldn’t reach down and retrieve the ring. He finally decided that he would try to flick the ring up with his foot to where he could catch it. To do this he had to take the weight off that foot so he could do the flicking. 
     He slowly shifted all his weight to his right foot. He jerked his left foot up. The ring rose toward his one free hand, but the movement was too much pressure on the right foot which slipped from its precarious position. 
     As the climber fell fifty feet to the end of his rope he somehow forgot about retrieving the ring, which fell one thousand feet, bounced off a rock which launched it out away from the face of the cliff. It was within a couple heat beats of landing in the forest when a passing crow, seeing this shinny object, snatched it out of the air, and took it to its nest. 
     Time passed. Once in the crows nest the ring served no further purpose than giving the crow and its decedents something of a conversation piece when showing it to their neighbors. At least until the big thunderstorm. Lightening hit the tree scattering the crows nest as well as several crows hither and yon. The ring fell into the river where it was swallowed by a large rainbow trout. 
     The ring was too large to pass through the trout’s system, so remained there for quite some time. 
     A couple years later a fisherman snagged and landed the trout. By this time this trout was trophy size and the fisherman was imagining what this trout was going to look like mounted above the fireplace in his den. At the movement the fact that the river is designated catch and release was way down the list of his concerns. 
     But first he needed to get a picture of the trophy trout, He pulled out his cell phone and was lining up the shot to take a selfi when he noticed a photo bomber in the background, well not really the background, but right behind him, namely a huge black bear, standing up on its hind legs and looking over his shoulder, at the big fish.
     In an instant the fisherman’s mindset went from his trophy fish to the hot breath of the bear on his right shoulder, and the best way to make the bear the gift of his fish. He flipped the fish over his shoulder. As the bear’s attention followed the flying fish, the fisherman departed the vicinity, forgetting the very expensive rod and reel he was leaving behind. 
     The bear ate the fish and the ring and went on his way. Eventually he did what all bears do and pooped in the woods. Shortly a hiker came along and stepped in the pile of bear feces. Not on purpose. It was just that he was a bird watcher. 
     With some disgust the hiker scraped of what he could with a stick, then went on his way. What didn’t come off was some of the offending substance caught in his instep. Imbedded in that was the ring. When the hiker got to the trailhead, he took off his boots and threw them into the trunk of his car, before putting on some shoes more comfortable for the drive back to his home in Yachats, Oregon. 
     As the hiker’s wife was unloading the car’s trunk, she found the boots and the dried ‘stuff’ stuck to the bottom. She knocked it off in the garbage which was eventually hauled to the local landfill where it was spotted by a seagull and eaten. 
     Now seagulls will eat anything—well—except gummy worms. How I know is somewhat interesting but not important to this narrative. 
     Again, the ring found itself in a system that was not meant to handle such items. Several days the seagull was feeling poorly and settled down on the ocean’s surface, just outside the surf. It was concentrating so much on how bad it felt that he didn’t notice the shadow of the migrating fur seal ascending from the depths. 
     Off the coast of La Paz our seal attracted the attention of a pod of killer whales which tore the seal into small pieces which they proceeded to consume. Their activity attracted several marlins which swooped in and managed to steal a few pieces away from the whales. One particular marlin got the piece that contained the gold ring. 
     A wealthy Japanese businessman who along with several of his companions was big game fishing out of La Paz. The marlin was nothing special size wise, but it looked huge to the diminutive Japanese executive, so he had the fish frozen and hauled back to Osaka where he had it mounted. While doing this the taxidermist found a gold ring with the inscription, “Love You Forever.” 
     The Japanese man thought this ring such a harbinger of good fortune that it was kept in a small display case next to the mounted marlin. It has been a treasured keep sake in his family ever since. 
     As for the gold ring found in the wild pig on New Guinea, with the inscription, “Love You Forever,” and how they connected that to the rock climber, I have no idea. How would I? I mean, give me a break!