Purses versus Pockets or Where Did I Put That Ferret

     Today I was standing in line at the Post Office, which happens to be the only one in this metropolis. We have good clerks, they seem to get along, and they handle business expediently, so it’s not one of those Post Offices where you need to wear a Kevlar vest. However, that’s not the point.

     The lady in front of me moved up to and put a package on the counter. The clerk weighed the parcel, filled out an insurance slip, asked about stamps, (they’re always going for the upsell), and announced the amount it would take to consummate the transaction. The lady seemed surprised that a payment was required. She dived into a large purse. When her elbow disappeared, I knew we were in trouble.

     She stirred around in that purse for a couple minutes, without finding what she was looking for. Then she started taking stuff out and putting in on the counter. One of the items was a picture wallet, so she had to show the clerk pictures of her grandchildren, and explain what outstanding things they were up to. Luckily she only two of these intellectual giants, or we would still be in the Post Office.

None of what she liberated from the bowels of that bag was what she needed. The clerk looked at me and gave a minute shrug, apologizing with her eyes. Finally, the purse lady found what she wanted and then started counting out some bills, and then some change. Of course, the bills and change were not in the same container so the change took another search.

     When she was finished with the transaction, she reloaded her purse, and then struggled with the clasp, which probably had not worked since the Clinton administration.

     Now in her purse she probably had something to handle any possible situation. Finding it in time to be of consequence in that situation would be another matter.

     Purses are carried because women don’t like pockets. I’ve come to this conclusion by observing my wife’s clothing. Pockets mess up with the look.

     Men don’t carry purses. We have pockets---the more the better. Shirt pockets---two, pants pockets---from four to eight, coat pockets---at least three or four. Therefore, we have plenty of room to carry all the stuff we need or might need. Of course, walking down the street we look like we’re smuggling a large family of ferrets. We can usually find what we need because we have a system, which is not universal but custom designed by each man depending on the number of pockets he has available. If you see a man in a situation where he needs something from a pocket, slapping himself all over, you can guess he’s forgotten his system.