Oy Vey 

 

From Uncle Vellanoff’s Journal 

Oy Vey Ist Mir!

One of the members of our group was Manny Finestein. One Friday evening he asked us to come to Temple with him the next morning. It wasn’t something high on our list but Manny was a good guy so we told him we would be here.

The rabbi got up and read for awhile from the Book of Exodus, then put the scroll aside and made the following comment: “Did the Israelites wander in the desert for 40 years because God was trying to teach them a lesson, or because he just wanted them to appreciate the Promised Land, or was it because Moses was just too proud to ask for directions.” I never imagined a synagogue crowd being into demonstrative “Amens”, but the ladies in the congregation gave forth with a hearty, “Right on Rabbi!” 

Some Stories Just Don’t Get The Job Done 

Speaking of going to church:  We went to services with another cast member, Billy O’Shay. The priest was trying to explain the positive things about the ‘confessional’ by telling the following story: A young man went to confession and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest said “Well, Tommy, what did you do.”

“I spent the night with a loose woman.” 

The priest said, “Well, was it Brenda?”

“No father.”

“Was it Feona?”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Was it Ann?”

“Father, I can’t damage her reputation.”

The priest said “Well my son, do five Our Father’s and four Hail Mary’s.”

The young man went back to his seat and his two buddies asked him how it went.

“I got five Our Father’s, four Hail Mary’s, and three good leads.”

At this point the priest’s dissertation sort of ground to a halt as be began to realize that maybe this particular story really didn’t point out the reasons one should go to confession. The audience had obviously enjoyed the story so the priest sort of shrugged and changed the subject, figuring, I guess, that any effort to recover would be fruitless.

Was It The Prayers Or Not?

In one town in Texas where the troupe was playing for a three-month engagement, the locals disagreed over a particular situation. The troupe found it interesting to follow along.

 It unfolded as follows: To increase their business, a bar began construction on a new building. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening. They used petitions and prayer. Work progressed right up until the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork.

At the hearing he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn’t.”

We’re Here To Help, But This Is Too Much

We played Chicago numerous times and developed a number or permanent friends in the city. One was a family where the man worked at the City’s Welfare Department. One evening he was complaining to us about the barely understandable, but sometimes humorous, requests for help the department received. He retrieved some examples.

     I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

     I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

     In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

     This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?    

Taxi Wisdom

During one stay in Atlanta several of us were riding in a taxi. The driver ran into a pedestrian. “What’s the matter?” yelled the pedestrian at the driver, “Are you blind?” The driver jumped out of the taxi and yelled, “Blind? I hit you, didn’t I?”

After things got settled down and we were on our way again, we got talking to the driver and he laid this bit of wisdom on us: “The reason there were fewer wrecks in the horse and buggy days was because the driver didn’t have to depend wholly on his own intelligence.”