Live and Learn in Texas/The South

From Uncle Vellanoff’s Journal

One day several of us were driving between San Antonio and Fort Stockton. We had just finished a run in San Antonio and had several days before we were expected to report to the theater in Fort Stockton, so were in no hurry.

     One thing we always enjoyed in Texas was the attitude of the people and their accent. Example: We came up upon a guy and his car alongside the road. This Texan had a flat tire, had pulled off on the side of the road, and had proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

We studied the scene as we drove by and were so curious we turned around and went back. We asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I have a flat tar.”

We asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.” That’s what I mean about accents. At times it was hard to understand what these folks were trying to say. 

As we spent time in the South we learned things about the language. Example:  Y'all" is singular. All y'all" is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. They knew what they were saying, nobody else was quite sure. 

After several years of accumulative time in the South we put together a list of tips for “Yankees”, fellow actors, and script writers coming into the state, or just trying to portray a Texan.

If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 50% chance of being right.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean they can. Stay home the two days of the year that it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up truck, with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain, will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely to be the last words he will ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, and don’t ask why. It’s just something you’re supposed to do.

Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

Also:  Get used to the idea that “He needed killin” is a valid defense in the South.

Also:  When traveling around the South we were often in the situation of needing directions, but when you ask a Southerner for directions, unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and “where the ol’ schoolhouse used to be”, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

     Now for fellow actors and script writers to properly portray Yankees, while playing in the South, we put together another list pointing out that a character in our skits might be a Yankee if:

 

They think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”

They think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

For breakfast, they prefer potatoes to grits.

They’ve never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.   

They eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

They don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

They’d rather have a son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

They don’t know anyone with at least two first names, like Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.

They think more money should go to important scientific research at their university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

None of their fur coats are homemade.

We always enjoyed our time in the South.