Live and Learn in Texas/The South

From Uncle Vellanoff’s Journal

One day several of us were driving between San Antonio and Fort Stockton. We had just finished a run in San Antonio and had several days before we were expected to report to the theater in Fort Stockton, so were in no hurry.

     One thing we always enjoyed in Texas was the attitude of the people and their accent. Example: We came up upon a guy and his car alongside the road. This Texan had a flat tire, had pulled off on the side of the road, and had proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

We studied the scene as we drove by and were so curious we turned around and went back. We asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I have a flat tar.”

We asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.” That’s what I mean about accents. At times it was hard to understand what these folks were trying to say. 

As we spent time in the South we learned things about the language. Example:  Y'all" is singular. All y'all" is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. They knew what they were saying, nobody else was quite sure. 

After several years of accumulative time in the South we put together a list of tips for “Yankees”, fellow actors, and script writers coming into the state, or just trying to portray a Texan.

If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 50% chance of being right.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean they can. Stay home the two days of the year that it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up truck, with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain, will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely to be the last words he will ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, and don’t ask why. It’s just something you’re supposed to do.

Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

Also:  Get used to the idea that “He needed killin” is a valid defense in the South.

Also:  When traveling around the South we were often in the situation of needing directions, but when you ask a Southerner for directions, unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and “where the ol’ schoolhouse used to be”, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

     Now for fellow actors and script writers to properly portray Yankees, while playing in the South, we put together another list pointing out that a character in our skits might be a Yankee if:

 

They think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”

They think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

For breakfast, they prefer potatoes to grits.

They’ve never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.   

They eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

They don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

They’d rather have a son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

They don’t know anyone with at least two first names, like Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.

They think more money should go to important scientific research at their university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

None of their fur coats are homemade.

We always enjoyed our time in the South.

Here We Go Again, The Media Leaves Us Hanging

From My Journal

How Did He Do It?

July, 2014

Here we go again. From Hackensack, N.J. comes this story via Yahoo News. A public works inspector stole $460,000 worth of quarters over a two-year period. The article goes on to say how the court is making him pay back about half of the stolen amount over a five-year period. The plea agreement is a little complicated and of very little interest to me.

What the article doesn’t bother explaining is where did he find and how did he liberate 1,870,000 quarters? It seems to me, and I’m no journalist, that those two facts might be of some interest to other readers. Is there anyone else out there who would like to know the rest of the story?   

How Did They Do It?

July, 2014

     Reuters Edition USA reported that in a petting zoo in Maryland some vandals brook in and painted graffiti on a 650-pound sow and her 11 piglets. Okay, that is sort of funny, maybe not for the pigs, but no harm was done to the porkers.

     Once again the media didn’t report on the most important part of the incident. HOW THEY DID IT!

Pigs are smart, quick, often slick, and usually in a muddy and slippery environment, to put the best possible face on it. When chased they will squeal, screech, bite and let their bodily functions loose to do whatever.

 Catching a pig, big or little, can be very challenging. But catching a pig and keeping it still long enough to paint graffiti on it is quite a trick. It would take quick footwork, exceptional teamwork, good strategy, and lots of stamina. Instead of catching and painting pigs, this group should form a soccer team, which, with their talents could not help but be world class.

Does anyone else out there get frustrated with the way the media present things?

Media Tidbits 

From my Journal

Come On!!

     A couple days ago in Minette, Alabama, a guy tried to hold up a gas station while brandishing a toy gun. A station employee, realizing the gun was a toy, used a cricket bat – yes, a real cricket bat -- to chase the guy away. Police caught up with the Toy Gun Bandit and booked him for Toy-Armed Robbery. I’m just guessing at that last fact.

     Now I can believe a gas station in Minette. I can believe the attendant chasing the robber away, and I can believe all other aspects of this story, but –-- a cricket bat in Alabama? Get real! 

Nothing To Lose

In Saudi Arabia a gentleman was sentenced to five years in jail for criticizing the Saudi justice system. This guy was already on death row, so I’m not sure how disappointed he was to get another five years.

Take That You Dirty Rat! 

In Yakima, WA, a rat is suspected of starting a fire at the Veterans of Foreign Wars building. The reason the rat is only a suspect is that he is no longer around to be questioned. He didn’t survive the mishap. It seems that he chewed through some electrical wires, which started a fire, and then thoughtlessly caught on fire himself and ran throughout the building spreading the flames. Rats aren’t what they used to be!

“Please, Please, Please, Let’s Do It Again" 

In Germany a student made a rude gesture at a group of Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang members. Evidently thinking they might take offense at this and actually do something about it, he attacked the bikers by throwing a puppy at them. Realizing that this might not do the trick of intimidation he had in mind, this genius then jumped on a bulldozer and escaped. Why he thought this might work is not spelled out in the news article. However it did work, as he left the bulldozer in the middle of a road, causing a major traffic jam. Then he went to his nearby home, where police found him a short time later. The puppy thought it was all in good fun, is doing fine, and in fact would like to do it again.   

What A Deal – Once More and We’ll All Be Broke 

The eight largest industrial nations in the world have been holding what they called a G-8 conference up near Toronto, Canada. They have been solving all the problems of the world, with special emphasis on the economic woes being experienced by most of the participants. Out of this conference came a couple pronouncements. One: They were unanimous in criticizing both Iran and North Korea for “their nuclear march” and called on both to heed existing United Nations resolutions--nothing quite as safe as castigating two of the planet’s crazy bad boys. The media summarized the total outcome of the conference this way: “For now, the leaders have generally cooled their rhetoric and agreed that deficits must be tamed in the long term, while different countries may use different tactics to tackle the burdens of debt and deficits in the short term.”

     With the cost of travel, security, meals, attendants, and miscellaneous items, it only cost the taxpayers of each of these eight countries about $20 million to get this profound pronouncement. WOW! What a deal!

Tell Me More

In Poplar Bluff, MO, an intruder knocked down the door of this ladies apartment, grabbed her and hit her. The lady picked up a railroad spike, hit the intruder, and chased him off. The police followed the blood trail and caught the intruder.

Way to go Lady!

Good story, but the big question is, how many people have a railroad spike (beside me) handy to their front door? (Which I don’t) And Why?

 

Oy Vey 

 

From Uncle Vellanoff’s Journal 

Oy Vey Ist Mir!

One of the members of our group was Manny Finestein. One Friday evening he asked us to come to Temple with him the next morning. It wasn’t something high on our list but Manny was a good guy so we told him we would be here.

The rabbi got up and read for awhile from the Book of Exodus, then put the scroll aside and made the following comment: “Did the Israelites wander in the desert for 40 years because God was trying to teach them a lesson, or because he just wanted them to appreciate the Promised Land, or was it because Moses was just too proud to ask for directions.” I never imagined a synagogue crowd being into demonstrative “Amens”, but the ladies in the congregation gave forth with a hearty, “Right on Rabbi!” 

Some Stories Just Don’t Get The Job Done 

Speaking of going to church:  We went to services with another cast member, Billy O’Shay. The priest was trying to explain the positive things about the ‘confessional’ by telling the following story: A young man went to confession and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest said “Well, Tommy, what did you do.”

“I spent the night with a loose woman.” 

The priest said, “Well, was it Brenda?”

“No father.”

“Was it Feona?”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Was it Ann?”

“Father, I can’t damage her reputation.”

The priest said “Well my son, do five Our Father’s and four Hail Mary’s.”

The young man went back to his seat and his two buddies asked him how it went.

“I got five Our Father’s, four Hail Mary’s, and three good leads.”

At this point the priest’s dissertation sort of ground to a halt as be began to realize that maybe this particular story really didn’t point out the reasons one should go to confession. The audience had obviously enjoyed the story so the priest sort of shrugged and changed the subject, figuring, I guess, that any effort to recover would be fruitless.

Was It The Prayers Or Not?

In one town in Texas where the troupe was playing for a three-month engagement, the locals disagreed over a particular situation. The troupe found it interesting to follow along.

 It unfolded as follows: To increase their business, a bar began construction on a new building. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening. They used petitions and prayer. Work progressed right up until the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork.

At the hearing he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn’t.”

We’re Here To Help, But This Is Too Much

We played Chicago numerous times and developed a number or permanent friends in the city. One was a family where the man worked at the City’s Welfare Department. One evening he was complaining to us about the barely understandable, but sometimes humorous, requests for help the department received. He retrieved some examples.

     I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

     I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

     In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

     This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?    

Taxi Wisdom

During one stay in Atlanta several of us were riding in a taxi. The driver ran into a pedestrian. “What’s the matter?” yelled the pedestrian at the driver, “Are you blind?” The driver jumped out of the taxi and yelled, “Blind? I hit you, didn’t I?”

After things got settled down and we were on our way again, we got talking to the driver and he laid this bit of wisdom on us: “The reason there were fewer wrecks in the horse and buggy days was because the driver didn’t have to depend wholly on his own intelligence.”

 

Can Sombody Help Me With This

What’s Happening

 I would like to know what is going on in Ukraine. A person gets so little real knowledge through the media. President Obama and Vladimir Putin don’t help the situation. They both talk tough and make threats. Obama banned a few Russians from coming into our country, and Putin then banned some Americans from going to Russia. No one even hinted that any of these people would want to go to either of these countries. Then Obama bans a couple more, and Putin bans a couple more, and so it goes. Putin says he will enlarge their military and Obama says something appropriately tough sounding. It’s like two little boys seeing who can urinate the farthest.

Now the problem with my analysis is that I don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes. Is what these two leaders doing really how they feel, and is it indicative of what they’re willing to do, or is all the rhetoric just their public personas and without meaning as far as to what is going on in Ukraine? If someone has a clear handle on this situation, I’d like to hear it.

A Guy to Have Along

         Today I was in line at Safeway waiting to buy some stuff. (An aside here--Safeway seems to put a high value on making their customers spend an inordinate amount of time waiting to buy their products. They’ll have twenty customers trying to get out of the store and have only two cash registers open, plus of course the check-yourself-out stations.) (Excuse me again, but an aside about the check-yourself-out stations. These places really bug me, so I try to avoid them. The reason is that although they say right on the station that you can pay with a check, it always comes as a surprise to the person riding herd on these stations when I try to pay with a check. They have to come and fiddle with my terminal, then transfer all the info over to another terminal, where they can finally process my check and let me escape this fabulous experience. In this whole process there are only about a dozen things that can go wrong, even if the clerk knows what he or she is doing, which is usually a stretch.) But I digress.

    While In line I was standing behind this guy who was probably about my age. He was slight of build, well weathered, and  had no body fat. He was wearing clean, but well used Levis, a pressed short-sleeved sport shirt, a belt, and suspenders. The suspenders were to hold his pants up, because he didn’t have much in the way of hips, and the belt was to hold a Buck folding-knife (about 8 inches), a Leatherman multipurpose tool, and a cell phone. He just had the look of a guy who had been there and done it. He was calmly watching the clerk telling the customer in front of him some long-winded story, which lasted well past the time the customer was ready to leave.

    I thought to myself, now if I were to get in trouble, this is the guy I’d like to have along.

    However, he was wearing a cap, so I would need to do the driving.

Now This is Chutzpah

       As reported by Ko Im on Yahoo’s News, a man from Corban, Kentucky (that’s close to where Steve and Angie live, and maybe why they’re moving), got arrested by the local police chief and was being booked for the suspected shoplifting of some beer. While being held in the police station waiting for this whole process to conclude, the suspect used his cell phone to call a local pizza parlor, and claiming to be the police chief, ordered five pizzas.

    Now he’s facing other charges. It seems that in Kentucky doing what they call indentity/deception/impersonation of a police officer is a felony. Go figure.

Mississippi Attorneys

     There was always an element of humor in the characters and In Biloxi, Miss., police officers stopped 30-year-old Roger Beasley Jr. who jumped out of his car and took off on foot. In his haste he ran into the Harrison County Law Enforcement Training Facility, which was in the middle of a training session. That was the end of his escape. Now this is all marginally interesting and shows a guy who does not react well to stress.

    But what got me was the last sentence in this report which said, “It wasn’t immediately know if Beasley was an attorney.”

    Now what was there about his whole incident that would lead anyone to think this guy might be an attorney?

    It his the way attorneys act in Biloxi?

    Is this the level of intelligence the attorneys in Biloxi exhibit?

    Who would’ve thought?
 

Goodbye Jim

       James Garner has passed away. He was one of my favorite actors. He has left a huge legacy of very successful movie and TV shoes.situations he played. He had an easy relaxed style that I enjoyed. I understand that he was somewhat the same in real life. He and his talent will be missed, but I’m sure we will be seeing his acting efforts for years to come.

 

    

Playing With the Kids

July 2014

Thursday, Lorraine and I drove down to Ashland. That’s in Oregon, just barely, but still in Oregon. The reason was to spend a couple days with the kids and see some plays at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. We stayed in the Super 8 again, we just love punishment. Sonia and Bruce camped out by the reservoir. Shauna and Kevin ended up staying in some place in Medford. They didn’t seem impressed with their lodging either.

Elizabethan Theater at Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, Oregon 

     That evening, Lorraine, Sonia, Cora, Adam, and I ate a picnic lunch while watching the Green Show. Shauna, Kevin, and family, did not come down until the next afternoon.

Three guys from Brooklyn, calling themselves Project Trio, put on this show. One played the cello, one played the bass, and one played the flute. The flute player was very entertaining. He moved to the music, jumping, stomping, dancing, plus several other moves, and made all kinds of percussion noises with his mouth and throat, some of which was blended into the flute playing. He was great. They did all kinds of music with their own jazzed-up twist. Between the three of them it was a good show.

     The play we saw that evening was ‘The Two Gentlemen of Verona’. This version featured an all female cast, and they did a great job. The one none-female cast member was a very large white Great Pyrenees. Yes, a dog named Picasso. He came on stage several times, and looked like he was bored to death. He played the part of a large white dog, and did it very convincingly. This part is so pivotal that he has an understudy named Lucy. I’m not kidding. These Festival people don’t miss anything.

     The following day we all had some lunch at the Greenleaf Restaurant, then Lorraine and I went off to see ‘Family Album’. We’ll get back to this play in a bit.

     The Green Show that evening was a group of improv actors. It was okay but certainly nothing I’d need to see again anytime soon.

     That evening Sonia, Bruce, Adam, and Cora were hanging out in our room, waiting for Sam to be delivered as he was going to stay with Adam that night out at the campsite. We were all feeling sort of tired and sleepy, so I suggested we find a Dairy Queen and get some ice cream. Lorraine, Sonia, and Adam, thought that to be a good idea so we piled into the car and headed out. Adam had gotten a fix on the local Dairy Queen from Siri. We showed up at the location she gave us and found a 7-Eleven. Adam went in and found that this indeed was where the Dairy Queen had been.

     We fell back on the only option we had readily available and that was Wendy’s. We pulled up to the order-board and I ordered four cones and one cup filled with ice cream. It was like I was speaking Swahili. After repeating this numerous times the order-taker asked us to come around to the window. We didn’t have a clue as to what they were going to give us. By this time, the other three occupants of the car were laughing so hard they were no help at all.

We pulled up to the window and paid our money. Then this genius handed out four cones setting in cups. I thought, “Well this is different, but just may be the way Wendy’s serves their ice cream cones.” Then I asked him for my cup of ice cream. This really puzzled him and he pointed out to me that I had just gotten four cups with ice cream in them. I explained to him, again, what I wanted. After paying him some more money, we got a cup of ice cream along with a spoon. None of this helped to calm down my companions.

Now the concoction that they were passing off as ice cream was more like partially frozen milk. Not near up to the standards to which we had been accustomed. It was an amusing interlude in the evening and helped pass the time.

 Shauna and Sam finally showed up, and everybody went off to their own abode.

The following day we had a picnic lunch at the upper end of Lithia Park where the air was about ten degrees cooler than the ninety-nine degrees downtown.

 

L to R  -  Shauna, Adam, Cora, Sam, Haley, Andee, Sonia 

That evening Lorraine and I, along with Shauna, Kevin, Haley, Hannah, Andee, and Sam saw ‘The Comedy of Errors’. This play was set in Harlem. It was well done, and a joy to watch.

After the show Lorraine and I left for Redmond, Sonia, Bruce and the kids left to camp in the hills for the night, on their way home the next morning. Shauna and Kevin, with family drove back up to Medford for some sleep before driving home the next morning. 

Now back to the world premiere of ‘Family Album’. The playbill says “_ _ _ _ middle-aged rockers torn between the artistic life and domestic stability_ _ _.” This play had a lot of rock music in it, which was okay as the actors were also good musicians. But the play really didn’t have much of a direction, making it hard to know where they were trying to go and therefore no way of knowing when they got there. The play lost a number of playgoers during the intermission. Shauna and family saw it after we did and didn’t remain for the second half.

Then there was the language. Four-letter words if used artistically can occasionally add to the medium being used. But this author used the “f___” word to excess and almost exclusively in places where it made absolutely no contribution to what little plot there was, nor to the understanding of the individual songs or conversations. There were a few people in the audience who obviously didn’t agree, because every time they heard the “f___” word they would start to clap with glee. Why? I was afraid to even think about that as I was stuck in the same room with these people.

If I was heading for Ashland to see some plays, I wouldn’t waste my money on ‘Family Album.’ There are plenty of other excellent offerings from which to choose.

Altogether, it was a nice couple days with the kids, and having Oregon Shakespeare Festival plays to watch did not detract from that at all.

 

 

Different Strokes For Different Folks

From My Journal

July, 2014

     Himmel uns allen helfen! The Germans have won the World Cup. That’s great! If it can’t be us, as in U.S., it might as well be the Germans. So far I’ve not heard about any rioting in Germany because of extreme feelings. And I can’t imagine Germans getting so excited over a game that they willfully commit unlawful acts. Party hard and drink too much, but rioting and stuff? Not Germans.

Now in Argentina, who lost to Germany, the reaction is different. People in that great country are rioting, some of which has turned violent, with looting and fires.

Now when I say World Cup I’m speaking about soccer. In some parts of the world it would be called football.

When this sport uses the term “World” they are serious. Competing in the World Cup were teams from nearly every nation in the world, hence World Cup.

This can be compared to our World Series, which does not include any baseball teams from outside our borders. So why do we refer to it as the World Series of Baseball? Maybe because we egotistically think that everybody in the world is, or should be, interested in our game.

Now Where Did That Snail Come From?

According to Yahoo News inspectors at Los Angeles International found and confiscated 67 live giant African snails. Okay, we’re all glad they didn’t get to the person on the shipping manifest and become a possible gourmet treat, which can create health issues, or get loose in the environment and become a real hazard.

     One statement in the article caught my attention. It stated that in the past the agency has found snails “that may have accidentally gotten into a traveler’s luggage.” “Whoa, say that again.” Look at the size of these snails. How could anyone not notice one of these in their luggage?

 

 

     These snails are big enough that if you had two or three, they could carry your luggage. I’ve heard of bringing back souvenirs, even done a little of that myself, but bringing back giant snails even accidently, that’s just ridiculous.

How Do We Know?

     Huffington Post ran this headline: “Ukrainian Airstrike Kills At Least 11 Civilians.” The article goes on to expand on this tragic action in the ongoing unrest between Ukrainian government forces and the pro-Russian insurgents. I use unrest with tongue-in-cheek as it is a lot more serious than that.

     No one has admitted to launching this attack.

     My question is this: How do they know how many people were actually killed? Think about it. The people who have been attacked have a vested interest in pumping up the numbers to make the atrocity seem worse than actual--it will garner more world sympathy for their side. So how do we really know if the number of dead is accurate, or are we assuming that these people, who have no problem killing each other, have suddenly developed a conscience, and are now being honest about this incident? For me that’s a stretch. How about you?

Hope? Really?

Friday, in the grocery store, I noticed a gal with the word HOPE in large letters across her derrière. Well, that is, on her jeans to be exact. Now my first thought was why? I can see a message back there like “Wide Load”, “Post No Bills”, “Don’t Overtake Vehicle When Turning,” none of which applied to this particular person, but “HOPE”?