From Uncle Vellanoff's Journal

Why Ask Me

          One topic of conversation that was common in all parts of the country and all levels of society was the weather.

    One time when we were playing in Seattle it had rained for a week. As often happened, we were invited to the home of a show-admirer. When we were sitting around the dining room table and conversation sort of lagged, I asked the young son, “Does it ever quit raining around here?”

    The kid said, somewhat belligerently, “How should I know, I’m only seven years old.”

That’s What Happens When You Have Too Much Of A Good Thing!

    As reported by Michael Holden for Reuters, England has had so many kings and queens that they seem to have become a little careless with them. Several years ago they found King Richard III buried under a parking lot. That doesn’t seem very respectful.

     Now they have somehow mislaid King Henry.

    This seems a little slapdash to me.

    With all due respect, how does all this make the current queen feel. A little uneasy I would bet. I hope that she has a place picked out as her final resting place, and I hope that she has some notes stuck around the palace reminding people where that place is.

I’ll Bet He’ll Vote Next Time

   An Arizona woman was upset because her husband didn’t vote. So what did she do about it? Driving her car, she chased the guy down and ran over him. He now has a broken pelvis and other injuries to remind him of the error of his ways.

    The current plan is for her to spend 3 ½ years in prison, and then spend another 4 years of supervised probation.

    Now, getting-out-the-vote is a universal problem that every political entity struggles with---at least in any kind of system approaching a democracy. To solve this dilemma, each one of us who does vote could just each take one non-voting person and run over them, thereby convincing them they should vote. Then that person could run over someone, and that person someone, and pretty soon we would have everyone voting for fear of getting run over again.

    Well then again, maybe it’s not such a good idea. Please don’t go out and run over someone.                                                                                    That’s Wrong With “No Comment?”

  In New Haven, Conn. early one morning a woman called police to report a break-in. She heard a noise in the hall and called out, “Who’s there?” and got the reply, “Bob.” With that, the man fled from the house.

  The police say there are looking for a burglar named Bob. WOW! Talk about a hot lead---no description, no fingerprints, no stolen goods to track, just “Bob.”

   What surprises me is that the police would put out a statement admitting they have such a lame lead. Just plain embarrassing. Whatever happened to “No comment, or “We can’t discuss an ongoing investigation,” or just plain “Go away."

  I’m guessing that Press Officer is now writing parking tickets in the New Haven slums.

All the Perks with None of the Risks
       Every so often nature produces another genius. We now have confirmation of one of these miracles. This person happens to live in West Texas. What this fellow did to prove to us the high level of his genius was to rig out his truck to look like a partially unmarked police vehicle---light bars, sirens, and a uniform for himself. Why? According to him, so he could cut in line at the fast-food places and run stoplights.
     Well, it worked for a while. The question is: “How long did this ‘genius’ think he was going to get away with this scam. And think of the cost. How much would it cost to outfit his truck? A good light bar, uninstalled would run him somewhere between $400 and $1,300. One siren would cost him about $150 uninstalled. So if this guy did his own installation, which is a stretch considering how smart he is, he has at least $700 invested in being able to cut in line at McDonalds or slip through a stoplight now and again. Oh, I forgot the uniform. That’s another $150.
     He is now free on $15,000 bail. The fine for impersonating an officer will be substantial. So what has he  gained? I don't for the life of me see an upside to his behavior. But then, I'm not a genius.

Finish the Report, Please!

    A story on AP stated: “Michigan authorities say they arrested a naked drunken woman who was driving the wrong way down the highway after leaving her naked husband and their child at a rest stop.” Now the first thing my razor sharp mind picked up on, was that so far there was a lot of nakedness going on.

    The report went on to say that this 23-year-old naked woman left her husband and child along the highway and then refused to stop after the police gave chase. When she finally did stop, she exited the vehicle and made a run for it. Police finally caught her.

    Besides being charged with indecent exposure and child abuse, she was charged with drunken driving, and  I suppose drunken running. The husband is in jail also.

And that was where the report ended. The big question they never got around to answering was, “Why are these two people driving, running around, and standing along the highway, naked? Curious minds want an answer. By that I mean me.

But, once again the AP has let us down and given us only part of the story.

If There Isn’t There Should Be

    Today I have been schlepping back and forth to Lowes, hauling bags of mulch for the yard. I also did this a number of times last week.

    Going and coming I pass through a three-way-stop intersection where there are always people with their coolers, pets, conveyances, and signs, asking for money. They have signs stating different reasons for their requests. This is the place where there is one man who has no sign, but holds his hands chest high and about twelve inches apart, as though he had a sign.

    The man who caught my attention today was the one with a German Sheppard tied by a rope to his doggy crate. The driver ahead of me rolled down her passenger window and was holding a bill out to the man. As the man advanced toward the car to except the bill, the dog went berserk. He was barking, snapping, growling, lunging, and dragging his crate towards the car. He was not a happy camper, and really wanted to get at the driver offering his master some money.

    I’m not sure what to call what these folks do---begging, panhandling, or soliciting. Let’s go with soliciting. In Soliciting 101 there must be some warning about having a dog in attendance who tries to eat the donor. At least I would think so.

Now Don't Tell Me You Wouldn't Have Done The Same Thing

     A Michigan woman ordered a burger from her local McDonald's. The burger came without the advertised bacon. The woman made a fuss so she was given a free meal. No bacon came with the free meal either. This obviously pushed this woman over the edge, so she got her gun and fired a shot through the restaurant. Luckily she didn't hit anyone. I guess she was hoping to get their attention, and she was successful. She got the restaurant's attention and she was also noticed by the police.
As it turns out, in Michigan it is illegal to fire a shot at a building. Go figure. She has also been convicted of using a gun in a felony. Now, I'm trying to wrap my mind around this. So if she had not used a gun to fire a shot into the restaurant, she would not have been convicted of using a gun in a felony. Of course, without the gun to fire the shot there would have been no felony. Does it sound to you like the justice system is double dipping on this poor baconless person?

You Can't Put Anything Over On Those Aussies
     Astronomers at Australia's Swinburne University of Technology have been confused since the 1990's by the intense bursts of radio waves, known as perytons, that their equipment has been picking up. There first conclusion was that these perytons were coming from outer space, sometimes referred to as deep space, like maybe a better recipe for the 'secret sauce' or something. However, I guess the radio waves were not really telling them anything, so they became suspicious. After some experiments, they discovered that these radio waves were actually coming from microwave ovens in their neighborhood.
     So I guess we'll just have to wait for those all-knwoing deep space beings to get us the improved recipe. I don't know whether that's good or bad. I'm not a user of the secret sauce, so that may have something to do with my level of interest.

Now Don't Tell Me You Haven't Wanted To Do The Same Thing

     I've written several times in this blog about the frustration of seeking help with computer problems. The "Service Desk" and I have a hard time with each other. Just getting there is enough to turn a saint into a maniac. 
I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who has the occasional frustration with their computer. For instance, there's Lucas Hinch in Colorado Springs. As reported by Daniel Wallis for Reuters, he got frustrated with his uncooperative computer. So what did he do about it? What he didn't do was to go to some "Help Desk". He didn't take the thing to some computer shop. He took the computer out into the alley, and shot it eight times with his handgun. Only eight you ask? He probably ran out of ammunition. Somebody reported the shots, the police came, and he was cited for discharging a firearm within the city limits. Evidently there's no law against computer homicide.