It Could Be Like This 

   
    While Lorraine and I were talking to my sister, Dorothy, the subject of the weather came up and we commented that just possibly spring might prevail and push whatever weather we’re having out of the way and get on with it. Dorothy capped off that discussion by saying, “It’s good that the coming of spring is not left up to Washington,” meaning the U.S. Congress. 
    As I thought about this idea my mind spun off into what it would be like if Congress was actually responsible for the start of the seasons. It might go something like this - -
    The Honorable Senator from Louisiana, Gator Gaspel, moved that spring start on April first. “After all,” he intoned in a voice that sounded like syrup being poured onto a bass drum, “We’ve had the honeysuckles in bloom now for most of a month.” 
    Seconds to the motion are shouted out by Senators from Mississippi and Alabama, but not by Senators from other Southern states, as they were asleep. 
    This motion was met by an uproar from the Senators from North Dakota, Minnesota, and Wisconsin. The Senator from Wisconsin, Jan Johansson, was finally recognized by the chairman. “Are you people crazy! We still have two feet of snow in the northern part of our state. The harbor at Duluth is still frozen solid. We have to use ice-breakers just to get ships in and out. Spring shouldn’t be started until at least June 30.” He sat down to applause from other Northern states’ Senators, and boos and hisses from the Southern states. The Central states’ Senators just sit there doodling on note pads, playing Free Cell on their IPads, or sleeping. They had been ignored for so long that they feel somewhat disenfranchised from the whole process. 
    The Senator from California stands and demands to be acknowledged. This elicits groans from the surrounding Senators. Other than giving them the finger she ignores them. Once permission to speak was reluctantly granted she starts. “I think we are way ahead of ourselves here. I’ve not seen any environmental statement on our letting spring commence at all, let alone setting a date. It’s well known that without studying the effects of letting spring commence, we just might be putting our planet in jeopardy, and how would we explain that to our children? And for you naysayers, the recent study by the Flat Earth Society makes that very plain.” 
    The Senator from the state of Oregon jumps to his feet while waving a hand as high over his head as he could reach. He’s shouting, “I know the answer to that, I know the answer to that.” 
    The chair tiredly asks while pointing to the Senator from Oregon, “Know the answer to what, Senator Fernel?” 
    “To the question she just asked about the environment.” 
    “I wasn’t aware that she had asked a question. She did make a statement. Now that you have the floor, or so it seems, do you have anything to add to this discussion, and put you hand down, you look like a git.” 
    “Ah, yeah, okay. Before we ask for a study we need Ways and Means to earmark the funds to pay for a study.” 
    “Good point, Senator Fernel. If I recall that’s the first good point you’ve made since joining us six years ago. The people of Oregon must be proud of you.” 
    Senator Fernel punched the air with his fist and said, “Yes.” 
    Then the Chairman, called out, “Is Senator Jamison from Ways and Means here today?” 
    No one spoke, until finally a secretary stuck her head in the chamber and said, “Mr. Jamison is indisposed and not available right now.” 
    The Chairman asks, “Well, Lulu Bell, how long before Senator Jamison can join us?”
    Lulu Bell said, “The judge says it’ll be three to five, before the Senator can rejoin us here on the hill?” 
    The Chairman looks around and finally spots a Senator who has his head below the level of his desk top, pretending to tie his shoe. “Senator Dahl, you’re on Ways and Means, how about funding for an environmental study to determine if we can set a day for spring to start?” 
    Senator Dahl slowly appears from below his desk, and after clearing his throat several times and taking a sip of his throat medicine from a hip flask, says, “What was all that?” 
    “Come on, Dahl, don’t act dumb with me. I know you’re not the brightest light in this chamber, but you know what I’m asking.’ Dahl looks resigned and nods his head. Then after a minute he says, “Okay, for Ways and Means to earmark funds for a study, we need to establish a sub-committee, which we can do right after summer break. Once the sub-committee is seated, they will establish a venue for their meetings, probably Aruba. After their deliberations, which should not take more than a week, weather permitting, they will publish a recommendation. Now this is all predicated on the assumption that this sub-committee doesn’t have any questions bearing on their ability to make a decision. Once the recommendation is published, that recommendation goes to the actual Ways and Means committee for them to decide if they will accept the recommendation.” 
    Dahl paused for breath. The Chairman looks around and thinks, there are more people asleep now than before he started that long-winded explanation. 
    Senator Dahl starts again, or I guess it is a continuation. “Now the only thing that can mess up the momentum of this action is the lobbyists who have heard about the possibility of Ways and Means spending money to do a study on whether or not to fund an environmental study to test the various effects of differing dates for spring to begin.” 
    The Chairman knows all this, but even his eyes are starting to cross. Unfortunately, Senator Dahl is not finished, so continues, “For something as simple as this decision there will only be about thirty to forty lobbyists who will feel compelled to get the people who’ve hired them, oars in these waters. And these lobbyists could be representing anything from the Washington Apple Growers Association to the Society to Educate Samoan Grade School Students on the Proper Disposal of Condoms. So we’ll have lobbyists messing about with the sub-committee members and then with the Ways and Means Committee members, so that by the time an order to disburse comes down from the exalted heights of the Ways and Means Committee, it will no doubt contain funds not only for your environmental study, but for all sorts of other stuff. 
    Now up to this point, with the week in Aruba, and all the time that will have been spent, your request will have only cost the taxpayer twenty-three million dollars.” 
     The Chairman waits for Senator Dahl to continue, but when he doesn’t, asks, “So Senator, can you get this ball rolling? Some of us would like to have spring sometime yet in this calendar year.” 
    Senator Dahl finds this to be quite amusing. He asks, “Really, this year? That’s a good one, Herman.” And as Senator Dahl walks out of the Chamber he keeps saying while quietly chuckling and shaking his head, “This year? Really.” 
    Your tax dollars at work.