When and Where to Whack a Cow

A Public Service Announcement

From My Journal

When to Whack a Cow

 

August 2006

The Swiss Hiking Federation has come up with some guidelines for being around Swiss cattle. Never hug a Swiss cow. Never caress a calf. Don’t look a Swiss cow directly in the eye. Never wave sticks at a cow. And the one I really like. In the event of absolute need, give the cow a precise blow to the muzzle. Have you ever tried to give a cow a precise blow on the snout when it’s chasing you through a patch of nettles and you’re quickly approaching a barbwire fence? Well, I remember when - - - but that’s a whole different story.

I Have A Gun Like That

October 2005

Rudolf Stadler, an Australian, tried to shoot his friends cow. For some reason, not spelled out, this cow had gotten on the bad side of Rudy. So after luring the cow into a shed, Rudy took aim and fired. The shot missed the cow. (I had a gun like that once, in fact, I still do, it’s sitting in the corner of my office, just in case a cow ever attacks me.)

Rudy aimed and fired again. This time the bullet again missed the cow (surprise, surprise), went through the back wall of the shed, through a wooden fence, then through the door of a passing car and into the leg of the driver. The authorities took a dim view of his marksmanship, fined him $1,000 Australian, and took away his gun license for five years. Before the authorities got involved, Rudy did finally manage to shoot the cow.

Bitten Where?

October 2005

On a South African beach, a woman noticed that a seal had been sunning herself in the same place for most of the day, and fearful that there was something amiss, organized a rescue party to help the poor seal back into the water. The seal took exception to this, and as the article said “The lady was bitten on the beach,” which as you all know can be very painful. If you’ve not been bitten there, then you wouldn’t know. How do I know? Well, one time when I - - but I digress.

What the article writer meant to say was that while on the beach, helping a seal back into the water, the lady sustained a bite to her nose, by said seal. They did find her nose but couldn’t attach it to her face, so she’s undergoing some kind of surgery to minimize the fact that her face has no nose.

The seal seems to be doing fine and is back sunning itself on the beach, without being further bothered by well-meaning people.