Uncle Vellanoff’s Journal 

(Editor’s Note: Once again I must caution the reader that I cannot vouch for the veracity of Uncle Vellanoff’s stories--in other words were these original stories or is Vellanoff passing on stories he had heard. Who knows? Who cares?)

Then You’re Hungry Again 

For a while, we had in our troupe a Sumatran couple who did a knife-throwing act. One evening they told us the following story about their travels in Sumatra. At one point they had to travel for two days to get to their next engagement, therefore necessitating their staying overnight in a small village at midpoint of the journey.

When they got up in the morning and moved outside the small lodge they found the whole town in an uproar. (The people that is.)It seems that during the night a tiger had crept into town, killed the Chinese watchman, dragged him to the edge of town, and eaten him. By the tracks and what remained of the body they assumed that it had happened only about an hour before the village came to life, or at least the part of the population the tiger hadn’t eaten.

The natives were very nervous about the whole thing and started scurrying around to get whatever they had in the way of guns, spears, and clubs, to defend themselves against the tiger coming back, and by their actions, it was evident that they expected this to happen at any moment.

One of our group, who seemed to know something about everything asked one of the policemen why they thought the tiger after having just eaten would want to come back for another meal. The answer he gave was, “Well, you know how it is, you eat Chinese and an hour later you’re hungry again!”

Anyone Need a Tire

Another time, when we were in Fort Worth, we went for a afternoon drive out in the country, just to kill some time. We saw this house with the front yard covered in old automobile tires. It was an amazing sight so we pulled in to talk to the old gent sitting on the front porch. We walked up and commented on the tires.

He said “That’s nothing, you should see the ones out back.” He proceeded to take us out back, and sure enough there must have been five acres all covered with tires. He added, “And I know just how many tires I have around here.” We of course asked him how many that was and he said, “Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine.”

I ask him, “Why not get one more and then you’d have an even ten thousand?” He looked at me as if I had two heads both equally dumb and responded, “Now what in the world would I do with ten thousand tires anyway?” Like I’ve said before, there are some strange people in Texas. Maybe it’s all that sun.

And For a Rib?

For several weeks we played in a small town in Northern Wisconsin. There had been a very good turnout every evening with many of the town folks coming more than once. We felt so kindly toward these people that we decided to join them at their Sunday worship service. We got there just in time to hear the deacon reading the Bible lesson for the day. He gave some text, which I wish I could remember, and then proceeded to read.

“And God said unto Adam, surely I have made you good, better in fact than any other thing on the earth. There is just one thing lacking, and that is a companion for you. I will make this companion so that she will fulfill your every need, she will listen to what you have to say, she will have only one desire and that will be to please you, she will constantly praise Me for your perfectness, she will be your constant companion and the light of your life.”

And Adam thought on this and pronounced the idea very good.

And God said, “But Adam, there is a price you must pay so as to be forever reminded of this moment.”

And Adam thought on this then answered, “What will it cost me God?

And God replied, “An arm and a leg.”

After Adam thought on this he asked, “God, what can I get for a rib?”

We all thought this a particular meaningful scripture, (except for the ladies in our group), and had in mind to discuss it with the deacon, but after the service we found that he had to leave suddenly during the closing hymn, followed hotly by his wife.

A Pig Like That - - -!!

It was also in Wisconsin that we yet again received an invitation to dine with one of our admirers. We looked on these occasions with mixed emotions. On one hand, there was a free meal. On the other hand, we never knew what the quality of the meal might be, or the company we might have to endure. Usually the free food won the day, unless we had been specifically warned by some kind soul.

On this one occasion several of us agreed to the invitation and were hauled out to this very comfortable farmhouse. While we waited for the meal to arrive on the table the farmer was walking us around the grounds and telling us about his operation. We noticed a large pig that was just wandering around like he had no other responsibilities than to be seen. We also noticed that the pig had only three legs. We asked the farmer about the pig and got this reply.

“Folks, that pig is the smartest pig in this whole state. A couple years ago little Mabel fell out of the boat into the lake and was in the process of drowning when Elmer (the pig) swam out, grabbed her by the back of her swim suit, pulled her to shore, then sat on her chest, forcing the water from her lungs reviving her. Mabel owes her life to that pig!

On another occasion, I had cut my foot on the mower so bad that I couldn’t walk or even crawl. I called Elmer and told him to fetch the doc. Elmer ran into town and not finding the doctor in his office, started checking the bars until he found his man and got him out to the farm to treat my foot. Another time he woke up the family and saved us all from burning to death when the house caught on fire. And just several months ago I took him to the track with me where he picked three winners in a row. I won enough to pay off the mortgage. Yes sir, Elmer is a great pig!”

Our next question seemed natural enough, “How did Elmer lose his leg?” The farmer replied with some heat, “A pig like that you don’t just eat all at once!” We couldn’t argue with that.