Is That Cow Mad or Just Upset

From My Journal

December, 2003

Now with everything else we have to worry about we have a case of Mad Cow disease showing up in the state of Washington. They seemed to be a little vague about the location of this poor bovine. My question is, “How do you tell if a cow is “mad”? Now when they use the word “mad” in referring to this sickness I’m guessing they don’t mean angry, but insane. So back to the question, can you tell that a cow is mad by the vacant look on its face? No, it’s already about as blank looking as an animal can get. Can you tell that a cow is mad because it acts stupider then usual? Not really, it already acts about as stupid as any beast on earth. Can you tell by its increased lack of personal hygiene? No, it never had any regard for personal hygiene to begin with. So evidently there is some other way to tell if your cow has a problem. What that is the article didn’t say.

Another interesting thing was the immediate downturn in business at McDonalds after this announcement. Like they have enough beef in their burgers to make a person sick. Well, maybe sick is not the right word. At least not enough beef to make a person mad, maybe a little silly, but not mad.

Nicht gut genug

A study, done evidently by some Australians, has come to the conclusion that I don’t have to be embarrassed anymore if I need to use the reader board at the opera to understand what is going on. Well, to start with I never was embarrassed to use it in the first place. I mean you’re sitting there in the dark and nobody cares where you’re looking. Anyway, it’s not like you were relieving yourself behind a tree in the park or something. The singers are hard to understand, even when using my native language, to say nothing of when they’re singing in some foreign tongue. The article goes on with a bunch of scientific evidence to explain why a bellowing soprano’s articulation suffers to the point where no one can understand her--or him, as the case may be. (Now days a person can’t be too careful.)

The thing that always bothers me about the reader board is that I’ve always felt I was missing out because of the laziness of the reader board writer. Example:  The singer sings, “Ich habe meinen Ehemann getotet.”(“I killed my husband.”) [Repeats twice] “Ich machte es soeben.” (“I did it just now.”) [Repeats three times] “Mit eniem grossen Messer.”(“With a big knife.”) [Only has to sing this once as she’s waving a bloody knife around.] “Ich habe den schmutzigen Bastard verstorbene getotet und Ich machte froh ich bin.” (“I killed the dirty bastard dead and I’m glad I did.”) [Repeats twice] “Er wird auf mir wieder nicht betrugen aber ich liebe noch ihn.” (“He will not cheat on me again, but I still love him.”) [Repeats three times]

there is always a pause for the flute player to get in some one-on-one time with the audience. Probably because she needs the solo pay to take care of her bookie for the bet she lost on the last Cowboys game. The singer continues, “Ich werde mit ihm in Himmel wiedervereinight werden.” (“I will be reunited with him in heaven.”) [Repeats four times, obviously anxious that God doesn’t miss these directions.] (This whole passage takes about fifteen minutes.) Whereupon she faints, but continues to sing for ten minutes before dying. But what do I get from all this on the reader board--“I killed him.” I’m going to miss the Dallas Opera.  

“Divers Probed for Giving Fish Champagne.”

Last week this headline caught my attention. I just recently had a prostate exam, so probing was still on my mind, so to speak. It seems these divers found a sluggish Pike, so tried to revive it by pouring cheap Russian champagne down its throat. I’m guessing the bottle was mostly used up before the fish incident. Also it seems these divers are Polish. Putting all these facts together, I guess the whole thing is not so strange after all. But it seems that Poland does have specific laws about mistreating fish.

Birdwatcher to The Rescue

     A British birdwatcher reported the sighting of a rare Norwegian Robin, which had just finished a grueling 15-hour, 400-mile flight from Norway. As far as we know it was only one of about 30 such robins that have successfully made the flight since 1919. The birdwatcher was sure of the identification. She had gotten a good look at the bird as her cat was eating the tired thing.