My Grandnephew--The Specialist 

 

 

From Uncle Velanoff’s Journal

My sister had a grandson named--well, it was long, but we called him Rudy for short. He wasn’t very tall either. He got himself enlisted in the Russian navy just as World War II was heating up. By enlisted I mean that he was hit over the head while walking down a dark street in Sevastopol one evening and came to in a recruiting office--at least that’s what they called it.

They issued him a uniform and filled out some rudimentary paperwork. One of the questions asked on the form was if Rudy had any special skills. Not having any skills, but having a somewhat warped sense of humor he said, “I’m a master plunk maker.” He expected the recruitment officer to laugh at his joke and get back to the skills question, but it so happened that this officer was the kind of person who couldn’t admit that he didn’t know something, so with a knowing nod of his head the officer put down “Master Plunk Maker” on the form.

After three whole days of intensive military training, the navy was ready to assign Rudy to his permanent position. The committee that was supervising this process came to Rudy’s induction papers. The leader of the group said “Well Comrades, it seems we have a Master Plunk Maker.” Then after a pause, during which he looked around the committee for some enlightenment, and getting none he continued by saying, “It’s about time. Where should we assign him so that he can be the most use to our beloved Motherland?” They finally decided on the battleship Oktyabrskaya Revolutsiya.

When Rudy was delivered to his ship, the receiving officer noticed the Master Plunk Maker designation and asked Rudy what that was. Rudy looked him over and said in a loud haughty voice, “You don’t know what a plunk is?” The officer couldn’t admit his ignorance, so assigned Rudy to the engineering section. The head of engineering didn’t know what to do with Rudy so went to his superior and asked how many plunks they wanted Rudy to make. The inquiry ended with the Rear Admiral who also could not admit he didn’t know what a plunk was. Then all Rudy’s superiors came to the conclusion that they should give Rudy what he needed to get on with making a plunk for their ship, the navy, and the glory of their beloved Motherland.

So Rudy was asked what he needed to pursue his craft. Well, now he was on the spot as he had now carried this joke way beyond funny. He realized that with these military types, it had never been funny and Rudy realized he was now on the verge of getting himself discharged from military service. In his beloved Motherland this involved a bullet to the back of the head, for which his family would be charged, the bullet that is, and a shallow grave, if they had the time.

 Rudy decided to continue the charade. He said “I will need a secure workshop, it doesn’t need to be big, complete quiet, no interference as the materials can become unstable during retrograde, and meals delivered on schedule, because during certain portions of the process I need to be there to make adjustments.” He then gave them a list of materials that he would need. The list contained a number of chemicals, some pieces of metal, electronics, and some very specific types of lumber, not large quantities, but very specific as to moisture content.

They complied, and established Rudy in a small workshop with all the materials from his list. After a couple weeks the powers that be forgot about Rudy, as they had other things to worry about. Six months later the Rear Admiral happened to recall the plunk maker and asked for a report. The request went down the chain of command and with trepidation Rudy’s superior approached the plunk-maker’s workshop door and called out “Rudy I need to report to the Rear Admiral on the progress of the plunk.” After three requests which got successively louder and louder, Rudy yelled in a very frustrated voice, actually he had been asleep, “Do you realize what you’ve just done? You’ve just wrecked several weeks calibrations on the zizmot and now I have to start over again. Tell that huddlehunce of a Rear Admiral to leave me alone or come and build this plunk himself.”

The superior modified Rudy’s comments and reported back up the chain of command.

A month later Rudy demanded a wood lath. After several more months Rudy demanded waterproof wood glue. Every few months it was something else.

Twenty-four months later the Rear Admiral ran out of patience. He gathered some of his staff and went down to Rudy’s workshop. He yelled through the locked door of Rudy’s shop, “Seaman Spady, this is Rear Admiral Alexi Barelsky Afloatsin, and if you don’t come out this minute I’m going to have this door blown down and drag you out of there by the uski.” That uski thing was bad news and something Rudy wanted to avoid as he only had two of them.    

The door slowly opened and Rudy stood there holding a wooden sphere in his hands. The Rear Admiral reached out, but Rudy backed away and warned him that the plunk was very delicate. The Admiral asked Rudy what the plunk was good for and Rudy said, “Watch.” He led the way up to the main deck and walked over to the rail. By this time the Rear Admiral and his staff had an entourage of officers in their wake. After looking around to make sure everyone was paying attention Rudy held the sphere out over the rail and let it drop. The Admiral and several of his staff rushed to the rail and watched the sphere.

     It dropped and dropped and then hit the water …………plunk.

     That’s when they shot Rudy.