Philosophy 101

This sounds like something we would have studied in philosophy class. Well, what others might have studied, I have to admit that I didn’t study much for philosophy class. I couldn’t see the point.

    But the question today is this:  Is it okay to speed in order to get to court in time to take care of a speeding ticket? A conundrum? Perhaps. Although the state police officer who stopped this Vermont driver doing 112 mph on the Interstate didn’t have a problem deciding what to do. The driver has been charged with “excessive speeding and negligent operation,” according to the AP report.

Heads Up - Incoming Brisket

    What happens when you hit someone with a hot brisket? Or to be more specific, what happens if you do this in Kentucky? It so happens that you get charged with misdemeanor of wanton endangerment.

    How do we know this? It happens that two people were sharing a cooker at the Central Kentucky State Barbecue Festival. Evidently there was some disagreement, and one contestant threw a hot beef brisket at his fellow contestant and hit her on the head and shoulder. The brisket was estimated to be between 200 and 250 degrees. That’s hot beef. We don’t know what damage was sustained by the person hit.

    Now, in Kentucky this guy is lucky his thrown brisket didn’t hit a racehorse. For that, he would have been charged with something far worse than a little old misdemeanor.

Where's a Preacher When

You Need One

From Uncle Vellanoff's Journal

(Editor’s note:  After reading some of Uncle Vellanoff’s journal, I’ve concluded that he was a believer in God, but had a somewhat cavalier attitude toward organized religion. He saw the humor in some of the practices of people who claimed to be “religious.” I present the following entry from his journal feeling sure he would not have meant to offend anyone.)

Another experience that I had when we were playing in Madison, Wisconsin: several of us were invited to the house of an admiring farm couple of some means. These folks had seen the show several times and had brought the kids to an afternoon matinee the day before.

The excuse for the invitation was Sunday dinner, few of which we passed up as we were staying in Mrs. Olsen’s boarding house at the time and the food there was - - well, we were glad for the invite. When dinner was ready we were all asked to gather around the table. There were the two adult hosts, their three kids, and us three actors, one of which was our leading lady.

I suppose that you have noticed that anytime there is a meal anyplace close to where a preacher is present, that same preacher is asked to pronounce the blessing on and give thanks for the upcoming meal. (No pun intended.) The giving thanks part, at that early point in the proceedings, always seemed a little premature to me, but who am I to know about these ecclesiastical things.

These folks, not having a preacher handy, fell back on the next best thing, that being one of us three actors. Why folks always confuse a person’s being able to quote twenty-five straight minutes of Shakespeare with his closeness to God is something I don’t understand, but it happens every time. As the other male actor was somewhat in his cups already that day, and of course the female actor could not be trusted to approach the Deity with so serious a matter, (she was wearing makeup), they fell upon me with their request to do the formalities.

When you’re sitting at someone else’s table that is loaded down with a roast turkey and all manner of other stuff, it is hard to refuse such an appeal. When I acquiesced, I thought I heard a low moan from the three kids. They might have been remembering the twenty-five minutes of Shakespeare. I’m sure you’re wondering where someone with my limited English came up with the word “acquiesced?” Well, one day - - you’re not? Okay, but it was a good story, still is! Maybe another time.

My mind raced back to the blessing/thanks that I had heard given just the previous Sunday and I quickly decided to use what I could remember from it. It started with, and I’m just hitting the high spots here: “Dear Lord and Creator of all mankind. Thou who created all the earth with it’s bountiful harvest of all good things and Thou who watches over all Thy creatures,” with the possible exception of the turkey present and “Thou who resides above the starry skies and has the working of the universe in the palm of Thy hands.” Well, I figured that the addressee already knew His address and job description and I wasn’t sure that he would want to be reminded about what he had started here on this planet, so I just pulled out the part I felt comfortable using which was, “Lord.” My mind raced on, trying to remember more -- “we so humbly bow before they throne on this blessed Sunday, in the home of these beloved friends, with our hearts overflowing with thankfulness for all the bountiful goodness that Thou hast bestowed upon us, Thy humble servants.” I started to go with the humble thing as it seemed to be pretty prominent. But as I thought about it I knew that knowing what I did about the three of us, and not knowing any more than I did about the five of them, the humble thing was probably stretching it pretty thin, so I passed on that thought. “Beloved friends” was a stretch to be sure, as we didn’t yet know how good a cook this gal was, so I discarded that thought.

The thankfulness theme did seem to have some merit so I said, “Thank you.” Under the pressure more and more was coming back to me. “Lord, we know that thou art the one who brings us the rain, and that Thou art the one that makes the seeds send up their tender green shoots, reaching toward Thy warm life-giving sunshine, and that Thou art the one who gave these children of Thine the strength to take the copious results of Thy blessings and prepare this magnificent repast on this Thy holy Sabbath day.” Just in time I remembered that only last spring this same farmer had his bottom forty flooded by too much rain which carried fifteen of his prize cows over into the next state, so decided not to remind him that the Lord had been involved in that small miscalculation. As for the sunshine, it was easy for me to rationalize that the Lord was just trying to make up for the rain thing, but the current drought had all the locals in a mutinous mood, so I left that out. And again, I thought “copious results” and “Magnificent repast” to be just a tad premature, as we had not actually put a fork to what was before us. The thing about the “holy Sabbath day” I wouldn’t touch with an eight-meter pole, as we used to say in Russia.

By the way, that saying has an interesting history behind it that started when - - but back to this other thing.

I had been around enough to know that there was some difference of opinion about which was the holy Sabbath day, so was not about to offend anybody, especially the one who established the Sabbath, by getting onto a religious topic. Well, again, that left me with very little so I just said, “For the food.” My mind flashed over and discarded another ten minutes of those previous prayers which had covered such topics as missionaries, including headhunters in particular. (why they always seemed to get honorable mention I’ve never figured out, especially when they seemed to be eating better than the rest of us did on some of these Sunday invitations.) Also covered were government leaders, local sinners, and the shortcomings of the pastor, and elders, some of which also were mentioned in with the local sinners. Having nothing more to draw on or wanting to say, to the One I was addressing, about being thankful for the food, I closed with a resounding “Amen!”

My prayer had taken about five seconds, including the pauses for effect, so caught everybody off guard. The children seemed delighted to think that they were about to get to taste something different for a Sunday dinner, mainly anything hot. The husband came in with a belated and sort of weak, “Amen,” and the wife shot me a glance that said I was definitely not religious, a poor example for her children, and someone who would be on the list for prayer meeting, if not to pray for, at least to talk about.

At Least That's How It Appears To Me

     I’ve not stayed in a hotel or motel in the last ten years where they didn’t claim to be in the middle of a severe draught. Because of this unwanted weather condition they go on to ask, “Please use the towels and sheets for more than one night.” Some even claim it’s a city or county ordinance.

     Before anyone gets all twitter pated let me explain that I’m all for saving water, the environment, and the planet. Seeing how we live here, it only makes good sense to take care of the place.

     That said, I’m guessing there are some people staying in hotels and motels who at home only change their sheets every two weeks, and the towels only when they can’t be bent over a towel rack any more. These same people will demand that they get clean everything every day when staying at some place where they don’t have to do their own laundry. They feel they’re paying for the service so why skimp, just because this part of the country hasn’t seen any water for a couple weeks, months, years, or in the last decade.

     Now those establishments that are too embarrassed to talk about draught, since the lower parts of the surrounding countryside are under water, the nearby reservoir is overflowing, and the snowpack on the nearby mountains seems heavy enough to shortly slide down into town, will fall back on Project Planet. This is where they invite you to join them in conserving water by using your towels and linen more than once. They claim that not only are you decreasing water and energy consumption, but that you are helping reduce the amount of detergent wastewater that must be recycled in their community.

     This is all well and good and worthy of our consideration and cooperation. What they don’t mention as part of this request is what your cooperation with this program does for their bottom line---what they save on their water bill, their detergent bill, wear and tear on their equipment, and their labor costs.

This draught/Project Planet program is the slickest thing the hospitality industry has come up with since indoor plumbing.

     Now, if they are really serious about conservation they would tell me, “For every night during your stay that you reuse your sheets we will refund you five dollars, and for every towel you reuse we will refund you two dollars.” That would get my attention as they would then be offering to make me an active participant in their profit-generating program.

     At least that’s how it appears to me.  

Some People Just Can't Stand to See Other People Have Run

     Case in point:  In a suburb of Detroit, there is no law against people owning their own personal flamethrowers. Several companies make the things and sell them in the area. These flamethrowers are advertised to be great for recreation (I can't for the life of me conjure up an image of that), for weed control, insect control, clearing ice, snow, brush, and starting bonfires. Very handy things. 

     Now the mayor of this suburb is trying to get flamethrowers banned. Why? Because he believes the devices are dangerous and could damage property, cause house fires, and cause injury or death.

     He claims it is "Unthinkable that such a device would be sold to the general public."

     Just an aside here:  Someone with that low of an opinion of his constituency should probably not hold political office. Just my opinion.

     He goes on to say that things like these flamethrowers could be used by bad people for bad things.

     So lets make a list of things that could also be used for a similar purpose:

     Matches

     Candle lighters

     Fireplace lighters

     Cigarette lighters

     And just a couple other things that have been used by bad people to do bad things:

     Hammers

     Kitchen knives

     Automobiles

     Water

     This mayor is going to be busy.

How Do You Know When You've Shot Your Last Selfie?

     This may be a little ghoulish but certainly a good example of what not to do.

     A young man in Texas was in the process of taking a selfie. Part of the pose was him holding a gun. Evidently, he got confused between clicking the shutter and pulling the trigger. He chose the latter. He did not survive the mistake.

     Read and learn, enough said.

A Possibly Interesting and Somewhat Heartwarming Incident

Monday evening Lorraine and I went down to Sunriver for a concert. The artist was Sean Chen, a young pianist. He recently won 3^rd place in the 14^th Van Cliburn competition, and has taken first place in several other prestigious competitions. He did a great job. During intermission, Lorraine and I walked around to the other part of the Great Hall complex so she could use the restroom. I was standing in the lobby. There were people coming and going, with maybe a dozen in the lobby at any one time. Sean was getting his picture taken with several female admirers.

When he was done with them, he walked past me, heading toward the men’s room. About four steps past me he turned, came back, stuck out his hand, and asked, “Were you waiting to see me?” I shook his hand, and told him I was waiting for my wife, but then complimented him on the first half of his concert, and said that I was looking forward to the rest of the program. He said “thank you”, and went on his way. A very personable individual. I thought, “How many guys who do concerts all over the world, play with some of the finest orchestras, would be concerned that maybe he had slighted some huddlehunce lurking in a lobby, outside the concert hall restrooms in Sunriver, Oregon. My guess would be, not many.

What Was Their First Clue?

The staff at an eastern Washington jail thought that maybe an escape was in progress. How did they figure this out? 

They found a rope of sheets from a jail window down to the ground. "Eureka!" They thought. "Somebody's either drying out a bunch of bed sheets or just maybe they're planning an escape." So they locked down the jail, moved the men from that cell too another cell, and I suppose recovered the sheets.

An interesting aside: The window the sheets were hanging from was 4 feet tall, but less than 5 inches wide. The report did not say anything about the inmates being very thin. 

Some Days Nothing is Gonna Go Right!

   If you don't believe that, ask this guy in Tampa Bay, Florida. He needed a ride so decided to jack a car. He picked a car that had two men sitting inside, jerked open the passenger side door, and threatened the passenger with a steak knife. So far, his plan was working out quite well.
     Then both men yelled, "Police" and one of them drew his gun. Our carjacker dropped his knife and ran, but not far, or fast enough.
     Now, I'm not suggesting that this is a good way for anyone to spend their time, I mean jacking cars, but if it is something that you just have to do, a few pointers might be in order.
     First car selection:  Don't pick a car that has more people in it than the jacking gang---and if you're working alone that means one person---especially if the occupants are both adult males. 
     Point of entry:  Don't go in the passenger side. That leaves the car driver pretty much free to do whatever he or she wants to do with the car. Move it forward, backward, honk the horn, or anything else they can think of, including opening the door and running down the street yelling their head off. This is considering that the driver has little regard for their passenger.
     Choice of weapon:  A steak knife is just not that intimidating. Most steaks don't even cringe that much when approached with one of these things. A less than adequate weapon can lead people to think you don't know what you're doing and therefore fail to take you seriously, which can lead to a hostile response on their part. Instead of being scared, they might cause you great pain and suffering.
     Therefore, pay attention to your choice of weapon. If you're going to do the job, buy the right tools. Take a little pride in your career choice, for pity's sake. 
     Leaving the scene of a botched carjacking: You must prepare for the eventuality that the carjacking is unsuccessful, in which case you'll need a plan to leave the scene. This will take some training. To prepare, practice running three blocks as fast as you can. Don't pay attention to the traffic at intersections. If you can't dodge through traffic while running flat out, without getting clipped by a vehicle, then you might not be cut out for this line of endeavor. You should be able to make this three-block run in under two minutes. Most people can work up to this level of prowess in about two years. Again, if you're going to choose carjacking as a career, a little preparation will allow you to be all your can be.

How Do You Start a Fight in a Prison Yards?

This may not be at the top of your bucket list, but just in case here goes:
     First, you get yourself a drone. It only has to carry less than a pound. You strap a payload onto your drone---a quarter once of heroin, two ounces of marijuana. and throw in say, five ounces of tobacco, for the non-druggies. Then you fly your drone over a prison and drop your payload into the prison yard. But you don't drop it into the yard as per previous arrangements, but you drop it into the adjacent yard.
     The prisoners who get the payload are delighted, but start fighting to make sure they each get their fair share. The prisoners who paid for the drugs, but didn't get them, break into the adjacent yard to recover what is theirs. The fighting expands, until the guards put a stop to the whole thing. The drugs have probably disappeared. 
     Your experiment has been a resounding successs. But before you try it again you might want to rethink the possible uses for your drone.
     The above scenario actually happened in Ohio, so we know it works.
       

From Uncle Vellanoff's Journal

Yes, That's Her

     As we traveled around the country, our show producer/director was always looking for new material for the show---particularly anything of a humorous nature. Surprisingly, one source of humor was the courts. So when we weren't rehearsing, several of us would sit in on local court cases to glean what material we could. Several of these cases we worked up into skits for our show.
     One such was: A woman shopper was leaving a department store when a man grabbed her purse and ran. A store clerk called the police. The woman was able to give a good description and the police were able to apprehend the snatcher in a few minutes.
     The police hauled the thief back to the store and got him out of the car. They told him to stand there for a positive ID. The thief replied, "Yes, Officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from."

I Should Have Shot You!

     Another case was the armed robbery of a liquor store. Part way through the first day of trial, the defendant fired his lawyer and declared that he would represent himself. The judge warned him about the folly of doing this, quoting the old adage, "A man who represents himself has a fool for a client and the client has a fool for a lawyer." Then the judge ordered the trial to proceed. Everything was going fine until the defendant was examining the woman manger of the liquor store.
     The lady declared that he had been the robber. The defendant got angry and shouted at the witness, "I should have shot your head off!" Then after a couple heartbeats, stammered, "If I'd been the robber."
     It took the jury then minutes to come back with a "Guilty" verdict.