Texas Gopher Dilemma 

 The following is a report I wrote on my efforts to rid my Texas yard of gophers. 

 TEXAS INSTITUTE FOR THE ERADICATION OF CERTAIN MAMMALS 

(Don’t bother trying to look this up) 

 Burleson, Texas 

 REPORT 

 ON 

 THE GUMMING OF GOPHERS 

and 

IT’S SUBSEQUENT RESULTS 

 Experiment carried out 

 and report written  

by 

 Eldon N. Spady 

bna (better known as) 

 Doctor of Dirt, 

Weasel of Wiliness, 

(and several other things the publishing laws will not allow) 

 Awarded 

 Eradicator of the Month, May 1989

 Eradicator of the year, 1987 

 Articles Published 

Poison Monthly, “If a Little Is Good, A Lot Must Be Better” 

Green Lawn Quarterly, “How to Handle Your Neighbors After Spreading That Golden Sewer Pond Sludge” 

    First let me say that I must give at least partial credit for this idea to my brother, hereinafter referred to as the ‘Source’, who is a real Doctor living in, well, let’s say the Northeast, just to confuse those pesky environmentalists who might be looking for him as soon as this report is published. 
    The initial concept, as stated in my grant request to the Siesta Club, was that: “Whereas the ground burrowing animals in my back yard are of such a number that surely there must be included in their numbers at least one mutant ground burrowing mammal that is carrying in its body the genes that will, if exploited correctly, cure the world of yet some unheard of ailment. Therefore, these valuable creatures must be studied, fed, and kept happily active until their time comes. 
    I thereby respectfully submit that if your fine organization would furnish me with the aforementioned grant monies I will keep these ground burrowing mammals supplied with chewing gum, which my Source (remember the Doctor brother in the---ah---northeast) has confirmed will undoubtedly keep them from leaving the premises.” 
     What I was trying to do was get someone to front the money for the gum I was going to use to discourage these pesky gophers that have been occasionally burrowing around my yard and flower beds. 
     After receiving a very snippy, and undeserved I might add, response from the Siesta Club I finally decided I was on my own and proceeded to move ahead according to the instructions from my Source. 
     This gum thing was a last resort. I had tried using commercial poisons which the gophers would not touch. Concocting something that will kill a gopher would not seem to be that difficult. However, the challenge obviously comes in making it taste appealing to the furry little things. 
      I had already tried running water into their tunnels which had the effect of washing part of my yard into a low spot in the next block. After paying out the money to buy a truck load of replacement dirt and spending 147 hours hauling this to the other end of my property, one wheelbarrow full at a time, I still had gophers tunneling around my yard. 
    I had been told by several pimply-faced “experts” at my local Big Box store, that what I needed was to kill the grubs in the soil, which is what these critters were trying to find and eat. (Moles? Maybe. Gophers? I wasn’t sure they knew what they were talking about.) 
    After spending several hundred dollars on a product that these same clerks would not handle without the aid of a hazmat suit, I still had gophers tunneling around my yard. There is no such thing on the market as a trap that will kill a gopher, at least none that these green merchants would admit to, or, heaven forbid, have available. 
    Therefore, when my Source told me of this simple and foolproof cure for these creatures I was elated. Part of the instructions I received was that the choice of gum was critical and that without using ‘Juicy Fruit’ I would be wasting my time. So ‘Juicy Fruit’ it was. 
    My request to the Wrigley people for a supply of their product to help rid this part of Texas of the dreaded lawn- destroying gopher was met with a rather nasty letter from their attorney, one Quido Gerpeduchi, stating that if they caught me mentioning their product in connection with the killing of warm blooded, furry, and lovable animals, I should have my affairs in order. I thought the response was a little strong, but this whole ‘Juicy Fruit’ - gopher/mole thing might be wearing a little thin with them. 
    I had an old pack of this chewy substance in the house so proceeded to administer it according to the instructions. Then I waited. There seemed to be no response or reaction of any kind. I concluded that gophers were put off by the age and staleness of the gum so I went out and bought a new pack of the substance, hoping it would be fresh and therefore more enticing. 
      The reaction was immediate if not gratifying. The tunneling activity took a quantum leap upward. Instead of one runway zigzagging across a part of my lawn I had whole areas that looked like the bottom of a bull fighting ring. It appeared that not only were the gophers enjoying the gum, but that the population had exploded. I was sure of this one morning when I found gophers with Oklahoma stickers on their luggage, sitting on my patio waiting for me to dispense gum. 
    I immediately stopped giving away free ‘chewing enjoyment’ to the gophers, and since then the tunneling activity in the yard has fallen off to the disgusting, but usual, pre-gum level. 
    We eventually moved, leaving the gopher-filled back yard for the next home owner. 
     I’m sure that family would appreciate any suggestions you might have.