Uncle Vellanoff - No Pets Allowed

     In our troupe we had several people who had pets. Larry and Lenny each had a dog. The dogs were somewhat of a problem, as there were places we went that the dogs just couldn't go.

One example: During performances we tried keeping them backstage---tied up, of course. The problem with that was we had one act that included some operatic singing by Hilda. She was pretty good, but the skit was poking fun at opera singers, so she didn’t try to be terribly accurate about staying on pitch and all that. Whenever she sang, the dogs would start up with the most pitiful howling you ever did hear. The audience loved it, but our producer didn’t feel it was dignified.

    Anyway, the incident I’m thinking of happened when Larry and Lenny were out one evening walking their dogs and came to a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Larry suggested. “We can’t,” responded Lenny, “Don’t you see the sign saying NO PETS ALLOWED?”

    “Don’t worry,” said Larry. He put on a pair of sunglasses, walked up to door and tried to enter the restaurant, but was stopped at the door, “Sorry no pets allowed.”

    “Can’t you see?” said Larry, “I’m blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog.” But it’s a Doberman Pincher, who uses a Doberman Pincher as a seeing-eye dog?” the man asked. “Oh,” Larry responded, “You must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing-eye dog, they do a very good job.”

          Seeing that it worked, Lenny tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing-eye dog?” Thinking quickly Lenny responded in a angry voice, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

    Tony did a juggling act in the show. One day his brother came to spend some time with him. The brother, Doug, hung around rehearsals, and it became known that he had a phenomenal memory and a great ear for voices. Our producer got a bright idea and tried him out. He would listen to people in the audience call out their names. After about 30 of these, he would go back and randomly have them to say a short sentence. From that, he was able to tell them their names. People were awed and loved the display of his talents, so he became a permanent part of the show. Did I mention that he was blind?

         One night, Doug and Tony went into a bar. Doug, after settling on a bar stool, said, “Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?” The question was met with dead silence. After a few seconds pause, the bartender walked up to Doug, got in his face, and said in a deep menacing voice, “I’m blond and I don’t appreciate blonde jokes! My wife is right next to me, she’s blond, and she doesn’t appreciate blonde jokes. And best of all, on your right is a blond bodybuilder who I’m pretty sure doesn’t like blond jokes either! Would you still like to say that joke?” “WELL, NO!” Said Doug, “NOT IF I’M GOING TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT THAT MANY TIMES!”