No News is Good News

 

I don’t pay much attention to the news. I accidently run into more of it than I feel I need while using the internet. Why the lack of interest you ask? Because to find out what’s actually going on in the world a person has to wade through so much marginal accurate to downright deceitful, often poorly written, and usually negative information.

Stuff like this:

In January we got the distressing news that we were facing a Velveeta Cheese shortage. Now for those who care, this article gave the reason that this shortage was connected to more than normal late-season football. We might make the case that eating too much Velveeta is why people will spend hours and hours sitting in front of a TV watching someone else play a game. But that’s another discussion.

This news article wound up by explaining that the source for this information was from “a quote by an unnamed employee of an unnamed Brooklyn-area grocery saying that no further shipments were expected until February.” If I had been concerned before, this last bit of information certainly would have dispelled those worries and allowed the level of adrenaline in my body to return to normal so I could get on with my life.

Another news story covered the good people in Berlin, Germany, who found and reported to police 140 kg of cocaine stuffed into banana boxes and shipped along with a bunch of real bananas from Columbia. The writer guessed this was a “Logistical error” on the part of the shipper. Now an error is when I spell logistical wrong. This error was of shipping six-million Euros worth of white powder to the wrong address. I’m guessing that shipping-clerk Jesus’ cut-off ears are hanging on the employee-entrance of some processing plant in Columbia in order to discourage “errors” of this sort in the future.

Now my point---this is a mildly interesting story and sort of humorous if you’re not the shipper, but would my life turn out different if I’d never heard this story? No! Could I have done something more profitable with my time? Probably!

     Another news item: The headline says “Pilot Acted Strangely After Landing Jumbo jet at Wrong Airport.” Along with this headline is a picture of a Boeing 787, leading one to think that a pilot had landed one of the new generation Boeing aircraft at the wrong airport. But no. The pilot was flying a 747 and was just hauling parts for the 787. If the 747 had been hauling cattle feed would they have shown a picture of a cow with the same headline? Probably.

Another headline: “City Where It's Now Illegal to Smoke in Your Own Home.” Sounds rather drastic and certainly something you’d want to read about. Right? Right. Well -- maybe. So the facts are these; In San Rafael, CA, a new ordnance makes it illegal for residents to smoke in their own home--if—they share a wall with another dwelling and then only if their condo, co-op, or apartment building contains three or more units. So once again the headline is not a real lie, but is certainly misleading.

I think the news I do see is more entertainment than information. And why not? These news networks have to make money the same as any other business and the easiest way to do that is to entertain the general populace. If I don’t feel the need to be entertained, I don’t have to watch.

Exceptions to the above drivel are when some major occurrences happen--like natural disasters, or momentous happenings of national/international political significance. At that point the news people nearly cover the story to death and when they run out of things to say they start repeating themselves, which is okay for the people who are catching up. In these cases, the news media fulfill their purpose as I see it.

But face it, something of this import does not come along every day or week, so the news people must make trivial, and usually negative things seem important. It’s a vicious cycle, which the listener helps perpetuate. And why is that? My conclusion is that most people feel better about themselves and their situations when they see or hear of others in worse situations.

Mark Twain’s thoughts on this subject---“If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.”

 

"Texas Here We Come – If We Have To"

From Uncle Vellanoff's Journal 

The troupe spent a couple weeks in Hot Springs, Arkansas, and while there several of us were staying with a family who were getting ready to move to Texas. The reason we were staying with a family was that all the bathhouses and hotels were full. Anyway one meal time the man of the house asked the youngest son to say grace, so the kid thanked the Lord for the food in the basic manner, then added this addendum, “Good-by, God. This will be the last chance I get to talk to you. We’re moving to Texas.” From the mouths of babes - -

We played in Texas a number of times and always enjoyed the audiences and the people in general. We always heard the most improbable stories down there. True or not, they were told with a certain flair and sincerity that always made listening to them enjoyable. One such was told by a hill-country farmer about his neighbor. It seems that several federal revenue agents showed up at his farm looking for a still. They knew he had one but had never been able to find it. The lead agent told him that they were going to look around his farm. The farmer told them, “Don’t go into that field over there,” pointing off to one wooded field. The agent got out his badge and waving it in the farmer’s face told him that, “This badge allows me to go wherever and do whatever I want. Do you understand me?” The farmer said that he understood and didn’t disagree with that but said again, “I still wouldn’t go into that wooded field over there.” The lead agent headed right for that field and disappeared into the woods. In a couple minutes he came back out of the woods, running as fast as he could, with a very large and angry bull right on his heels. The agent was yelling for someone to help him. The farmer shouted out to him, “Show him your badge.

 

When in Texas we ran into several strange things--at least strange to anybody but a Texan I would guess. Part of the time we were out in West Texas where it can get “tolerably hot” as the natives would say. One day we saw this roadrunner trying to pull a worm out of the ground and he was using a pot holder.

Also in West Texas the sight of rain caused a man to faint. Bystanders revived him by throwing sand in his face. I would not have believed this had I not seen it with my own eyes.

There were a number of poor people in the town of Pecos where we played for a week. One family was so poor that their kid had a tumbleweed for a pet. Its name was Henryitta, but it only answered to Dusty. Why? I don’t know. It would stand and beg, play dead, and the best one, roll over. It only ate dust which was plentiful so was cheap to keep. It was also house broken.

Between shows in El Paso we did spend some time out in the countryside. One afternoon we went to this ranch and  were furnished riding horses. As we were riding along our guide warned us, “Keep your eyes peeled for the Texas Hoop Snake.”

When we asked him what he was talking about he continued. “The adult Hoop Snake will be about six feet long. When chasing it’s prey it will reach around and take his tail in its mouth and form a hoop. It rolls along until it approaches his victim when it will straighten out and fly through the air like an arrow and spear his victim with its tail. It then injects venom into the victim which will swell up to about fifty times its normal size. After a time the swelling goes down, which is seldom a benefit to the victim.”

When we voiced some skepticism, he vowed it was true, saying, “Last year a Hoop Snake attacked a cowboy, who saw it coming and managed to duck. The snake stuck his tail into a pine tree which swelled up to the point that a nearby town was able to cut it down and build five houses out of the lumber. After about a month the swelling suddenly went down and crushed three families.”

We didn’t believe him.

 

 

ATTACHED TECHNOLOGY 

     The other day I was leaving to make a run into town. When I was at the end of the driveway I realized I had forgotten my phone, so I pulled back to the garage, and went in and got the thing. As I was driving away from the house I thought, “What is going on here?” Several times I’ve driven half way across these United States without a phone, without an instant connection to other people, or emergency services.

     And my experience isn’t unique. Why can’t I now go to the grocery store without a phone? The big answer is because the technology is available. You know, if it’s here we use it to our advantage. The small, personal answer is that at the grocery store I’m working off Lorraine’s list, and I need to call her in every other aisle to make sure I’m selecting the right thing. Or if I see something on sale that’s not on the list I can call an asked if we already have enough of this product. The phone saves me time and additional trips to adjust to mistakes. And this is the same thing that every cell phone carrying person is doing all over the world.

     Except for anyone under the age of 22. I’ve picked that age at random but would wager I’m close. Under that age most kids are in school of some kind, and over that age they are trying to earn a living and don’t have as much time for what I’m talking about. (Although most working people use cell phones and other electronic devices to their advantage.)

I’m talking about texting and entertainment. All kids over the age of seven years old seem to carry a smart phone. They can’t take two steps, watch TV, or carry on a conversation without checking their phone, answering a text, or starting a texting conversation. There is a whole vocabulary being developed because these young people can’t take the time to spell out long words. Or maybe they can’t actually spell the long words because they were busy texting during spelling class.

Walk down the aisle of any church and you will see people working their smart phones. You don’t know if they’re looking up the last text the preacher threw out, checking or answering their mail, checking the ball game, or watching porn.  

     When I talk about what I witness in the youth of today I’m talking about the kids I’ve seen in the United States. What kids in the rest of the world are doing I’ve no idea, but I would guess it’s not much different.

     Back to my cell phone. It is not a smart phone. In fact it is intellectually challenged. It doesn’t know where it is, where it’s going, or where it’s been. It bothers me to think a phone could be smarter than me. I know some folks who are lucky to have things around them that are smarter than they are---blenders come to mind.

My phone doesn’t have a keyboard so if I want to text and I need an "s" for instance I have to hit the 7 key four times. Texting is slow enough to discourage its use. My phone doesn’t have any apps and it doesn’t have any games. Could it acquire some apps? Maybe, I don’t even know. And the reason is that I don’t care if it does or doesn’t. So far my life doesn’t need that much additional stimulation.

     Cell phone technology is great and I’m glad it’s here. Soon land-lines will be history. In many places in the world land-line infrastructure has just been bypassed altogether. People went from smoke signals right to cell phones.

     So, every morning when getting dressed, I slip my cell phone into a pocket and there it stays until I put it on my nightstand before climbing into bed. I don’t live without the thing. Sad but true. It’s not that I couldn’t live without it, but why should I when it’s there. I guess that sums up most of modern technology, from laparoscopic surgery to microwave ovens.

Attitude Is Everything     

 

From Uncle Vellanoff's Journal

 

While playing Logansport, a small town in Indiana, I became acquainted with a gentleman who was a salesman and therefore traveled almost constantly around the State. When the troupe was ready to move on to Shelbyville, a town south of Indianapolis, Jeremiah, that was the salesman’s name, asked me if I would like to drive down with him as he was going that way anyway. I said that would be fine as his company would be better then a bunch of down-on-their-luck vaudevillians.

Now, one thing I could never figure out was how Jeremiah was able to sell anything as he was always thinking that nothing was ever going to come out all right. A good example of that happened on our way to Shelbyville. It was late in the evening and we were just north of Carmel when Jeremiah got a flat tire. Well, actually the car got the flat tire, but it was unable to do anything about it, so the problem became Jeremiah’s. Well, Jeremiah started mumbling about that he was just going to bet that he didn’t have a jack and sure enough he didn’t.

We started walking toward the nearest farmhouse to see if we could borrow a jack, and Jeremiah started in by saying, “Suppose nobody’s home?” And then a little later, “Suppose that even if they happen to be home they don’t have a jack.” And then later, “Suppose the guy won’t lend me his jack even if he has one.” The closer we got to the farmhouse the more agitated he got and when the poor farmer opened the door Jeremiah punched the guy in the face and yelled, “Keep you lousy jack!”

It took me about ten minutes to explain to the farmer that Jeremiah was a lunatic and the sooner he loaned us his jack the sooner I could get Jeremiah back to the institution and out of the vicinity. When the farmer finally understood the situation he not only loaned us the jack but came and changed the tire for us although with the proviso that we stand well back from the auto until he was done and gone.
I guess if a person has to have an attitude, a positive one is always better.